


Take Me As I Am

by China_Rose



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, First Time, Hurt/Comfort, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-06-18
Updated: 2013-06-18
Packaged: 2017-12-15 09:11:38
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 29,909
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/847799
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/China_Rose/pseuds/China_Rose
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This story is about how the past affects the way Sam and Dean live their lives and how they will cope in the future. It is a story of holding on and letting go and it offers hope for a better life which Dean sorely needed after the events of <i>No Rest for the Wicked.</i></p>
            </blockquote>





	Take Me As I Am

**Author's Note:**

> **A/N 1:** This story is an alternative ending to the Season 3 finale _No Rest For The Wicked_ but alludes to other episodes throughout the story.  
>  **A/N 2:** In this story Lilith is dead, Ruby has gone far, far away and the demons are no longer a threat. Essentially the demon war is over. The story loosely follows the Season 3 finale in that it is set in the same place and talks of some of the things that happened that night. The bulk of the story is my version of how that one night affected Sam and Dean both emotionally and physically on top of the emotional baggage they have carted around for years.  
>  **A/N 3:** PTSD stands for Post Traumatic Stress Disorder
> 
> **Beta:** My thanks in spades to Thoks. You have been wonderful editing this and this story is so much better for your input. To Thok Jr who has sat through weeks of discussions and drafts what can I say...you are a god *gg* If you happen to find any mistakes blame me I always do the final edit.
> 
> **Comments and Reviews:** Always welcome. 
> 
> **Disclaimer:** No money involved here at all and obviously the Winchesters are not mine but if they were I would hardly be writing about it.

Banner by China Rose

**Part 1**

Thirty hours before Dean’s deal is up…

_I hate the world today…_

He was floating in that extraordinary world of barely asleep but not yet awake and he could hear the words as they played, over and over and over like a mantra and if it didn’t stop his head would explode from the insipid pop bounciness of it all. _I’m a bitch, I’m a lover_ ….oh god the lyrics were sending him insane. 

Where was his classic rock? What had happened to his beloved Zeppelin and AC/DC in the short time since he had turned on his MP3 player and fallen asleep? He was sure the last thing he remembered was _Carry on my Wayward Son_ so how the hell did he wake up to the nineties one hit wonder _Bitch_? 

He had had enough. How could a man sleep with this crap wailing in his ears? He had less than two days left on this earth and now he was going to have a bad day because of this song. Well someone was going pay for it and that someone was in the form of his, too smart for his own good, little brother.

“Sam!” he yelled in the empty room as he tossed aside the player and scrubbed a hand over his sleep filled eyes. “Sam! You are so dead. What are the goddamned rules? My player! My music! No touchy! You want to listen to your music then go scam your own player but don’t put you’re bubblegum, pop and emo shit on my player. You got it!” He maintained his diatribe as he sat on the edge of the bed and stretched this way and that as he ironed out the kinks in his back. “You think this is funny Sam?” He rolled his shoulders and stretched his arms above his head. “You wait little brother payback is a bi…” 

“Like the song? Sam asked all smug and super chirpy as he skipped out of the bathroom. 

“No, I don’t like the song Sam,” Dean replied, sarcasm dripping from every word. “How much time do I have left, huh? Less than just two days and I want to spend them doing great stuff. How about we make a TJ run, you know? Some senoritas, cervezas, we could...what's Spanish for donkey show?"

Sam rolled his eyes. 

“Okay then well I want to get laid, or go to the movies even or heck I don’t know look at travel brochures of the Grand Canyon to see what I’m missing out on. So please tell me you have something better in mind for today than literally teasing me to my grave?”

Sam sighed. No matter how many times he explained it Dean wouldn’t accept that the plan would work. “Dean you have more than two days left.”

“Sammy we both know that I’m toast. Don’t want to go, don’t see a way out and don’t think the latest plan is the solution. So unless, while I slept, you came up with some new, incredible plan that will not only save my ass but also ensure that you don’t drop dead in the process, then I’d say I don’t have a lot to look forward to. So give me a break and let me live my life the way I want, without you screwing with my stuff or my head,” he stated as he looked in his bag for some clean clothes. “I’ve given up enough already. Is it too much to ask that I go out feeling like I matter,” he muttered as he tossed his clothes onto the bed.

“What did you say” Sam challenged.

What the hell, Dean had nothing to lose so he repeated his words, “ _I said_ is it too much to ask that I go to my grave feeling like I mattered; that my sacrifice was worth it. I gave up everything for you Sam, always have. Anything you needed anything you wanted, I gave it to you and you know why? Because I loved you! You have always been and still are the centre of my world. I can’t imagine a day in my life without you in it and that is why when you died I sold my soul. I would rather be dead than see your life wasted but what do I get huh? Nothing!”

“What the hell? Dean calm down. Trust me I am working my ass off to get you out of this deal. I would do anything for you. Don’t let your fears affect everything. I am here with you, don’t fight me. I am trying to save you.”

“Sam I’m gonna die and yet you act like that’s no big deal. You can’t even leave my music alone. I got what, thirty hours max and you’re still fucking with my things. Do I matter so little that you can’t even let me have today? That’s the problem, the more I gave you the more you took. Well little brother I sold my soul to the lowest bidder so I’ve got nothing left to give. You win. You get it all; the life, the car and no more hunting. Heck I bet I won’t be gone from this earth a day before you pack your stuff and head back to college. Got to get back to that life I dragged you away from all those years ago. Well you have a great life Sam. Think of me sometimes because for as long as I can remember I thought about you.” He sat down heavily on the bed and stared at the floor. “Why don’t you care…” he mumbled dejectedly.

This is so not how Dean hoped his last few days in this world would go. He didn’t mean to say it and honestly Sam was right. It was the anxiety taking over but deep down he always carried that fear that Sammy would ditch him and that’s what was eating at him, even now as he was about to die, it still mattered. 

Sam was stunned by Dean’s outburst. They had had some fights in their day but even Sam wouldn’t have thought that a simple prank could cause this much of a reaction. He was mentally kicking himself for being so stupid. Obviously with the contract hanging over him, Dean was just not in the mood to see the funny side of it all and since he couldn’t/wouldn’t accept that the plan would work he was full of doom and gloom. The thing was that while the fight to defeat Lilith wouldn’t be easy, Sam was sure that with Bobby’s help the three of them could win; he just needed to convince Dean that they could. What bothered him though was all this other stuff. He thought they had gotten over it years ago and yet here it was still bubbling below the surface.

_Time to take control._ “Stop it,” Sam yelled at Dean. “Just stop. It was a joke man. Nothing more! I keep telling you that there will be plenty of days after we take her out. This is not the end Dean we can beat her….”

“…and what about after? What then Sam?”

“I don’t understand Dean,” Sam was confused. “Obviously if we kill her you’re free.” 

“And you get to give up all this,” Dean waved an arm around the room. “Either way you win. You get to leave no matter what and me? Not a lot of choices, I either die or I live a life without you. I can’t win. Just like always I am at the end of what Dad wanted or you needed. The only person who seemed to ever care about what happened to me died telling me that the angels are watching over me. Load of shit. Look how good that turned out. I bet she’d be real proud of me now. Then again when we saw Mom’s ghost back at our old house all she said to me was my name but you…she apologizes to you. Heck my life was screwed up too when she died, why didn’t I get an _I’m sorry_? Why are you so special? Why don’t I matter to anyone? I’ve given up so much why doesn’t anyone care?”

“Will you just shut up,” Sam screamed at Dean. “I get that you’re scared and you have every right to be but this,” he threw his hands in the air. “This is just crazy man. What makes you think I don’t care? Do you honestly think I want to spend my life without you being beside me? Come on Dean, think about it. Have I ever talked of leaving since Dad died? No. It’s been almost two years and I have been with you every step of the way. Trust me dude if we fail then I will spend the rest of my days trying to find a way to get you back and if we win and we will, you and I will be back on the road doing what we do best, hunting.”

Dean seemed unconvinced, “Words are easy. That’s just guilt talking. You trying to ease your own soul Sammy?”

“You are such an idiot Dean,” Sam bit back. “Why are you doing this now? Who’s trying to make who feel guilty here? I have done everything humanly possibly to help you, to save you and up until a few months ago, you didn’t want help but I kept plugging away at it regardless. Then you tell me you don’t want to die but now I’m a shit because if I can’t save you and you do die I will still be alive. You selfish jerk. You could have left well enough alone but no, you had to run off and sell your soul. Look how tortured you were after Dad did that to you. You think it’s been easy for me coming to grips with the fact that I died, let alone that I was resurrected by my brother who happened to sell his soul and would die in one year.”

“I know how it feels Sam, okay. Been there done that…”

“…and yet you did it to me.”

“I had no choice Sam you know that.”

“You had a choice Dean; you just made the wrong one.”

Dean was on his feet in an instant. “How can you say that. You were dead. I couldn’t….I…”

“…You couldn’t bear to face the world without me. I know I’ve heard it all before Dean.” Sam got up close into Dean’s face. “I guess I should be grateful at least I had you for a year, Dad was gone in the blink of an eye or in my case a _go get a coffee son._ He didn’t even say goodbye to me but he had enough time to warn you about me. Yeah I feel real privileged Dean. Thanks for the memories it’s been a great couple of years. Oh and just so you know, when this is all over and we drag our weary asses to another two bit motel on the outskirts of bum fuck wherever just remember that I will be with you, dogging your every step, because there is nowhere I would rather be than with you.”

“You could have a life.”

“I have a life you dumb fuck, it’s with you,” Sam yelled as he put his arms on Dean’s shoulders.

“Don’t.” Dean stepped away out of Sam’s reach.

“Don’t what Dean?” His brother just wasn’t making any sense. So once more Sam stepped into Dean’s personal space.

“Don’t do this to me,” Dean pleaded. “Not now.”

And then the other shoe dropped! _Of all the dumb…!!!!_ he thought as he took in Dean’s tented boxers.

Sam had never put it all together before and maybe Dean hadn’t either...until now anyway. The dilemma Dean faced was that he wanted Sam to have a life but didn’t want to be left behind when he left. The constant pushing Sam away to seek a normal life but all the while trying to keep him close which kept him away from the everyday world; the dichotomy of giving Sam everything and yet being incapable of asking for anything in return. 

Sam had seen it all his life but never saw it for what it was…love. Oh he knew Dean loved him but this was biblical proportions love and Dean probably didn’t even realize he felt that way. When they were younger Sam used to think that Dean exhibited these constantly changing emotions because he was a kid trying to make adult decisions. As they grew older he thought it was plain old sibling rivalry mixed with a little jealousy. Whereas in actual fact it was all about Dean trying to do the right thing by Sammy and yet wanting his own needs to be met.

It was so Dean to want the impossible and yet do nothing to resolve the problem. Heck even his deal with the demon was like it. He took the most dangerous path, wanted out, which cost him big time for admitting it, but still didn’t fully embrace any of the ideas that might have saved him because Sam may have died in the endeavor. It was all about Sam and even now, faced with the truth, he wouldn’t admit what he so painfully wanted. Well today was his lucky day. 

Sam took the initiative, stepped in close to Dean and all but purred, “Yes now.” 

“It’s wrong Sam,” Dean tried to reason with his brother,

“…so is selling your soul to the devil but that didn’t slow you down.” 

“No,” he pushed Sam back. “People go to hell for doing stuff like that…”

“Then what have you got to lose Dean? If you’re right you’ll be in hell in two days; if I’m right this will be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.” He nuzzled Dean’s neck, his gentle breath belying his own aching need. 

“Sam stop! Stop it right now, you hear me?” Dean yelled. “I can’t do this. I can’t…” His breathing was erratic and he seemed on the verge of a panic attack.

“Your body has other ideas,” was all Sam said as he ground himself against Dean. 

“Please don’t…” But Dean sounded less unsure and the moan that escaped him was proof enough that what he said and what he wanted were light years apart.

“Make me,” Sam said as he licked along Dean’s jaw.

“I…I don’t want it like this. I don’t want…the memory,” he finally admitted through clenched teeth.

Sam grabbed Dean’s arms and pinned them above his head at same time that he forced a knee between Dean’s legs. “It’s not going to be a memory Dean. It’s real and it’s on going. You! Me! Together always! Just like it’s always been but with grown up benefits. Please try to understand _you are not going to die._ I won’t let that happen and I’m not going to leave you when this is done either, so get used to it big brother. This is us forever, for better or for worse, in sickness and in health.”

Dean bit his lip trying to contain any further moans. He had spent a lifetime in control and now suddenly he wasn’t. He wasn’t sure what was hotter letting his little brother take control or that he was finally going to get some raw cock slapping man sex. 

“Just let me…” Sam whispered as he nibbled Dean’s earlobe. “Let me prove to you that I believe in tomorrow and the next day and the next. Let me show you in no uncertain terms that I know we will have a lifetime together hunting or whatever we want and we’ll have this,” he thrust his hips at Dean.

“Sam…” Dean squeezed his eyes closed. He didn’t want to be distracted by the look on his brother’s face; the one that was all passion and pure lust. The joke was he didn’t know what he wanted until Sam closed in on him and then suddenly everything changed. He went from pissed off to raging hard on in a heartbeat. All he ever wanted was for Sam to have a life but somewhere along the way he wasn’t able to let him go. He’s not sure when his desire to make a decent world for Sam and to keep him safe turned from brotherly love to rampant jump your bones pulsating lust but it did and when Sam towered over him just now it was like a switch had been flicked and everything he always wanted burst out including his cock and there was no way he could hide it anymore.

“Open your eyes Dean. Look at me. Come on man we’re both hard.” He stroked his hand down the outline of Dean’s cock through his boxers. “You know you want it.” Sam licked the shell of Dean’s ear. “I want it too,” he murmured. “Let me help you forget what’s coming up and let’s just go with the moment.”

“I…I…” Dean gulped. How could he say no and yet he couldn’t find a voice to say yes.

“I’ll take that as a yes.” Sam swooped down capturing Dean’s lips. It wasn’t a soft teasing kiss or one full of romantic promise it was all about need and a healthy dose of desire and a lot of male dominance and Dean went with it all the way.

Sam hadn’t done this much, certainly not at all in the last few years but it was like riding a bike. Once you learn you never forget. He made quick work of their clothes and before Dean knew what was happening he was turned around facing the wall and questing fingers sought entrance to his passage.

There was an urgency that fueled their passion and Dean wasn’t about to ask Sam to slow down in case he backed off all together. 

Dean was amazed by Sam’s confidence and dominance. “Spread your legs wider,” he commanded. “Brace yourself,” he ordered. “Tell me what you want,” he demanded and Dean did everything he was told to do. How could he say no to the one person who he had given everything to?

Sam thrust his fingers in and out of Dean. “You want this now Dean? Yeah you do, I can feel you clench around me. I’ve got three fingers in you man. I bet you could take more. Maybe we could do that one day. Would you like that? Yeah of course you would.” 

Dean’s cock jumped at the thought.

Sam took Dean’s cock in his hand and he stroked it firmly up and down with one hand while he continued to stretch Dean’s hole with the other. “You like it when I talk dirty don’t you?”

“Yes!”

“You like me in control too. Am I right?”

“Yes!”

“Yeah well I like being in control Dean. I like to be able to take the load off you.” Sam stroked him hard emphasizing his words.

Dean’s breath was ragged and he was barely managing to stay on his feet let alone hold a conversation.

“I want you to come for me. I want to hold you as you come all over my hand and then I will take your come and spread it over my own cock before I plunge inside you. That’s the plan Dean. You like that plan better than the one to save your soul.”

Dean whimpered as Sam stroked him faster and harder and twisted just enough to make him cry out. “Sam,” he shouted. “Don’t stop…don’t….Ohgodohgodohshit,” he screamed as his orgasm blasted through him and his hot come was captured by Sam’s waiting hand. 

Spent and boneless Dean sagged back against Sam.

“Not done yet Dean,” Sam told him as he hurriedly braced Dean’s hands back on the wall. “My turn,” he told his brother as he plastered his own cock with Dean’s come just as he said he would. 

“Condom,” Dean gasped out.

“Haven’t got one but I haven’t been with anyone since Madison. You?”

“The double mint twins,” Dean admitted breathlessly.

Sam had assumed that Dean had been sleeping with everything with a heartbeat from the second he had made the deal; how wrong he was. “But that’s like almost a year ago,” he said incredulously

Dean’s head fell forward and color flooded his face. “Sam I swear if you don’t get on with this…”

“I thought you wanted a condom?”

“I do but I don’t have one okay,” he growled.

“Well I don’t either. Not on my shopping list dude; will be from now on though. A year wow…”

“For fuck sake Sam just do it! We can have an in depth discussion on my lack of sex later. Right now I just want some sex.”

“You started it,” Sam grumbled as he pulled Dean’s cheeks apart.

“And what you couldn’t just answer yes or no?” Dean needed this so badly. His cock was hard again and he was rearing to go. "Sam!" he pleaded. "Now I need..."

“How could I turn down such a sweet request? Time you received what you so asked for don't you?” Sam grunted as he pushed inside Dean.

“Jesus Christ,” Dean yelled as Sam slid on home, his cock wilting with the shock of the intrusion.

“Breathe Dean,” Sam rubbed soothing circles on Dean’s back. “God you are so tight man, so fucking tight.”

Dean gulped down as much as air he could and willed the pain to go away. “Move,” he begged because feeling Sam filling him, throbbing inside him couldn’t be any worse than having Sam move in and out of him.

Sam was waging his own war. He so wanted to take hold of Dean’s hips and pump into him over and over. When Dean finally gave him the green light to go, he let instinct take over and before they were done he had his hands firmly planted on Dean’s hips and was pounding into him mercilessly.

“Dean, yes Dean, so tight, so perfect. I can feel you grab me man. Yes do it again.” He titled his hips to change angle slightly and Dean screamed at the top of his lungs. “Found it,” Sam crowed and continued to hit the spot with every thrust.

Sam took Dean’s cock in hand once more, stroking it to full hardness in time with his thrusts into Dean’s passage.

It didn’t take long. Sam needed the release and Dean was in sexual overload. His cock swelled, his balls drew up and once more he screamed his release which was all it took to send Sam over the edge. Dean could feel the hot spurts of come as they coated his passage and it felt incredible. He didn’t care that he was covered in his own cooling come or that he could barely stand. He felt more alive than he’d felt in years.

“Sammy?” His chest was heaving so much he could barely breathe.

Sam chuckled, “It’s Sam,” he replied as he laid feather light kisses along Dean’s neck.

“I never taught you that,” Dean managed to say between gasps and moans.

“You’d be surprised at what I can do Dean,” Sam laughed. He was so happy to see Dean content.

He carefully withdrew from Dean and led him to the shower. “Come on, clean up and then a sleep for a while.

“I’m gonna be walking like John Wayne for a month,” Dean sleepily informed Sam as his brother washed him.

“Hate to break it to you dude but you’ve always walked like him.” 

“Bitch!” said Dean lazily.

“Not today I wasn’t,” replied Sam smugly as he kissed Dean once more just because he could. “Come on let’s get some sleep before I end up taking you bent over the tub.”

“Kinky,” Dean giggled.

“Well aren’t you full of surprises. I’ll file that away for later.”

He quickly dried them off and led a very pliant Dean to bed. He pulled Dean close to him, kissed his forehead and whispered, “I love you.” 

“Love you too Sammy,” came the sleepy reply.

“Dean you do know that this is a good plan right? Bobby and I have been over it a thousand times.” He so wanted Dean to fall asleep with hope. “You’ll see; we’ll be celebrating your long life when we put this into action. There will so many more tomorrows. I promise.”

Dean was almost asleep and he heard what Sam said but he just didn’t want to get his hopes up. Somehow it had been easier to play the _I’ve got a year to live, let’s party_ card than to face the fact that he really didn’t want to die especially after what they just did. He wanted to live so badly but chances are he would die in less than thirty hours and nothing short of a miracle would save him. Besides even if he lived what did he have? Nothing! Sam had given him a mercy fuck today but he was sure his brother wouldn’t stick around for an encore performance if the contract was dissolved. No this had been great bone jarring sex but it was also a final goodbye. Fuck him blind then cut him loose.

“Dean? Dean you listening?” Sam asked. “Did you hear what I said?”

Dean looked at him and smiled sadly, “Yeah I heard you.”

“Okay cool,” Sam smiled, happy that Dean was awake enough to listen to him, “You’ve got to believe me dude. You’re going to have a lifetime to do whatever you want. It will be you and me forever. You can go anywhere, do anything and listen to any music you want. We just have to do this. It _will_ work…”

Dean fell asleep listening to Sam’s assurances and wondering why his brother made such an effort to explain all the things he could do on his own. He had been fucked and now he was fucked. What good was it to be alive if he was going to be alone?

**************************************************

**Part 2**

Well the plan worked. They did it. Lilith and her band of demonic warriors were defeated. It was over. The army that she had assembled was no more. It didn’t matter how the demons were eliminated, it only mattered that they were no longer a threat. The Winchesters, Bobby and even Ruby had come to this place to fight for their lives and Dean’s eternal soul in a place that had once been touted as a haven to all who seek tranquility and peace. The irony of that was not lost on them as they battled it out in the streets and homes of New Harmony, Indiana. 

What a fitting place to have such an epic confrontation; a place that still embodied self discovery, spiritual union and transcendence; a place where supposedly the barriers of time and space were removed and where you opened your mind to the fact that life is a journey; where the past is shed and you start anew. The area had held so much promise for those who settled there over a century before and for the hunters that came this night it also held hope. Hope that what lurked in the shadows would be banished from the world and hope that when the dust settled Dean would still be alive.

So much had happened since they entered the town and true to the nature of the town they had seen a whole lot of barriers broken down, plenty of conquering and reuniting and way too many demonic souls that transcended back to hell. For the hunters this was not a place that they would remember with fondness but they would forever remember it as the place where they fought to release Dean from a contract that sought to lock him into an agonizing eternity. 

By the time the clock tolled a new day, the battle was over and for a few precious minutes a hush settled over the area as the survivors and the hunters took stock. Sam looked down at the lifeless body of the girl Ruby had possessed for as long as he had known the demon. He paused to grieve for the innocent person who lay at his feet, who he didn’t know and who had probably died long before she had set foot in New Harmony Indiana. As for Ruby well all he knew was that she had been banished to a place far, far away and chances are she wouldn’t be back anytime soon. 

Ruby wasn’t the only casualty; strewn all around were the bodies of the formerly possessed, ordinary people who found themselves in an extraordinary situation. It was perhaps better that those poor people they had died or else they too would spend the rest of their lives waking to nightmares or fearing what lurks unseen around every corner as the survivors’ most likely will. Life would never be the same for so many people.

The living staggered to their feet trying to comprehend what had happened; their voices wracked with fear and trepidation began to echo through the night. Some wailed; the pitiful sounds pierced the night as a kaleidoscope of memories assaulted them; snapshots of evil deeds and horrific events, glimpsed up close and personal, broke upon their fragile minds as they teetered on the brink of insanity in a place where inner peace was supposed to overcome inner turmoil. 

This tiny community had been set upon by evil incarnate and it was now left to pick up the pieces and deal with mayhem, misery and mourning. The survivors were left with a lifetime of therapy and what of the hunters? As was the way with hunters they come in, fight hard and leave before thanks can be given or questions asked. Tonight was no different but what they had achieved here was huge even if the locals didn’t know it. Sadly, though, success often comes at a cost and all too often the hunters pay a high price for victory… 

Sam frantically searched for Dean amid the throng milling around in a daze. “Dean? Dean?” he called as he raced along the street.

Bobby spotted Sam and quickly went over to him. 

“I’ll be damned,” Bobby wheezed as he caught up with him. “We did it!” He bent over, braced his hands on his knees and tried to catch his breath. It had been one hell of a fight but they were still standing which is more than he could say for many of the people that had assembled here earlier. “Where’s Dean?” He asked, suddenly aware that the boy was nowhere to be seen.

“Don’t know. The hell hound took him,” Sam breathlessly informed him. “I was looking for him when I saw you.”

Bobby gasped. They had worked so hard at ensuring Dean would survive the encounter so what had gone wrong? “That wasn’t supposed to happen. What the hell happened?”

“Lilith happened. Took over Ruby, tricked us and after we were safe in a room with goober dust laid out she opened the door and let the hell hound in. It took him Bobby. It took him.”

“You keep looking,” Bobby ordered, as a sense of dread settled in his stomach.. “I’ll try and calm this lot down.” He nodded towards the survivors who were making enough noise to wake the recently departed. “Go!”

Sam had last seen Dean in the house so he was at a loss as to where a hell hound would take him and what state he would be in when found. He just prayed that Dean was alive.

Dean had been formidable during the confrontation with Lilith and Sam honestly didn’t know where his brother had found the strength to stay in control when he must have been scared out of his mind. 

Memories of Dean poured through Sam as he tried to find the missing man. He recalled their first time together, the feel of Dean’s skin; the taste of him. He remembered their fight over a stupid song and Dean’s fears of abandonment and he replayed their last words together. 

“Dean I’m not gonna let you go to hell,” Sam had cried.

“Yes you are,” Dean had told him. “Yes you are. I’m sorry. I mean, this is all my fault. I know that but what you’re doing, its not gonna save me. It’s only going to kill you.”

“Then what am I supposed to do?” Without Dean he was nothing.

“Keep fighting. Take care of my wheels. Sam remember what Dad taught you. Okay and remember what I taught you…” 

_Please don’t let it be our last words…please!_ He prayed to no-one in particular.

Yes he remembered all of it, especially when an the invisible hell hound dragged a screaming Dean from the room to an uncertain and seemingly inevitable fate.

Sam had failed Dean he knew that now. He had spent days assuring him that their plan was foolproof but it hadn’t been enough to save him. Now as he searched for Dean he tried to stem the rising panic because try as he might he just couldn’t find his brother. His fear was compounded by his frustration that the powers he had finally unlocked had failed to save Dean from the hell hound’s clutches and worse now when he desperately needed an edge they were useless in finding Dean. 

_What good are powers if I can’t use them when I need them most?_ he wondered as he ran from yard to yard looking for Dean.

Then amidst the crescendo of survivor voices one voice rose above the rest. It was a blood curdling sound that made Sam’s stomach plummet as he ran towards it. There, behind the house where they had battled it out with Lilith, down a slight embankment that led to the muddy shores of the Wabash River, he found his brother sitting up, pressed back against a tree trunk and screaming in absolute terror. 

Relief coursed through him as skidded down the embankment to kneel by his brother’s side. “Dean! Oh my god Dean are you alright? I thought I’d lost you” He sobbed as he clutched Dean to him. “Dean it’s me. Come on man its okay. It’s over.” 

But Dean didn’t seem to hear him or understand him.

It was dark down by the river but occasionally a shard of light took the edge off the blackness that surrounded them. Briefly Sam looked around for anything that might have caused Dean’s distress but he didn’t sense, see or hear a thing. He presumed that Dean’s abject terror was due to his run in with the hell hound and lord knows that would have had Sam screaming at the top of his lungs too. Lilith’s demise had cancelled Dean’s contract. The clock had ticked over and Dean was still alive but by all accounts it had been a close thing if Dean was this terrorized.

Even in the dim light Sam was could make out the horror in his brother’s eye as Dean looked straight through him; his eyes transfixed on something beyond, something only he could see. Sam didn’t know how to get through to Dean but he needed him to be quiet. So he placed his hand over his brother’s mouth to stop the screaming and hopefully he could break through Dean’s traumatized state. Dean began to struggle but Sam used his weight to hold him still. 

“It’s me…Sam. Remember me Dean? Yeah you know me. Shhh…shhh. You have to be quiet. Nothing is gonna take you. I’m here now and I’ll look after you but you have to stop screaming.”

Dean seemed to come back to himself. The glazed look in his eyes ebbed away and he stared intently at Sam.

“I’m not a demon Dean and the hell hound is gone. It’s just me, Sam, your brother. You’re safe. It’s over, we won but we don’t want the authorities down here man so you have to be quiet. Okay? You understand what I’m saying Dean?” 

Dean gave an imperceptible nod of acknowledgement.

“Okay I’m gonna take my hand away.” Sam sat back but kept one hand on Dean’s shoulder. Sam could feel him shiver, he was soaked through and every so often a gentle wave washed over his legs drenching him further. 

_We have to get out of here._

Sam didn’t want to save him from the hell hound only to lose him to hypothermia. As to whether Dean was injured or just plain scared out of his wits well that would have to be determined once they found somewhere were the light was better. 

“Hey big brother?” 

“Sammy?” Dean’s voice was rough and broken. 

“Yeah it’s me.”

“Time?”

Sam wondered for a microsecond why Dean wanted to know the time and then he clicked. “A little after midnight; welcome to the first day of the rest of you life…” but he never finished his sentence as Dean turned to the side and began to throw up.

“Shit!” Sam blurted out unsure what he could do to help his brother. In the end he simply rubbed Dean’s back and assured him everything would be alright. 

After a while Dean stopped heaving and let out a mournful moan as he slumped back against the tree.

“We have to get out of here Dean. Can you stand?” 

Dean didn’t reply but curled in on himself as if to ward further attacks. 

Sam could only guess at what had happened to Dean and whatever his brother had endured it had terrified him to the core. “Hey man its okay. It’s over. Lilith is dead. The demons are gone. The contract is broken Dean; you’re free. Come on let’s get back to the car. It’s a lot drier and warmer there than lying here in the mud.”

Dean remained in tight ball and once again Sam didn’t know what to do, “Dean we have to get moving.” When he had no response he knew he had to get help. “Look I'll go and find Bobby. I’ll be back in a few minutes.”

“No. NO! I’m okay,” Dean’s voice was hoarse from screaming. “I’m okay, I’m okay…”

“Yeah you’re okay,” Sam repeated _please let him be okay._. “Come on we just have to get up the embankment and back to the car. Its not far Dean you’ll be fine. I’ve got you.”

The embankment wouldn’t have caused them to even blink a day ago but tonight its slippery slope was a challenge Sam could easily have done without.

Dean kept saying over and over that he was alright. It was as if he needed to convince himself that it was the true but once they reached the top of the rise Dean stopped and at stared at his brother. 

Sam tried not to sound worried, “Dean what’s wrong?”

“Sam?” 

“Yeah Dean?”

“I’m not okay,” he whispered weakly, before collapsing into his brother’s arms.

The light was too dim for Sam to see what was wrong so he lifted Dean up over his shoulder and carried the man back to where he had last seen Bobby. There in the front yard of the house Sam carefully lowered Dean to the ground. It was only then in the glow of the street lights that Sam discovered what was wrong. 

When he first found Dean, Sam had assumed that his brother was wet from being on the riverbank but in fact Dean was soaked in blood. 

“Sam?” Bobby raced toward them. “What happened?” He stopped dead in his tracks as he looked at the Dean, “Jesus Christ,” he exclaimed.

If Lilith hadn’t been destroyed when she had, the hell hound would have ripped Dean to shreds. As it was he was covered in long deep scratches; both his legs were gouged from thigh to ankle; his clothes were shredded from both the hell hound and being dragged to the river. His arms, back and chest were bleeding and his face was covered in a mixture of blood splatter and mud.

Dean had survived what should have been his last day on earth but he didn’t come out of the experience unscathed. By what Sam could make out he had been lucky to escape at all. As Sam took in his brother’s condition the bile rose in his throat as he realized just how close they had come to loosing Dean. No wonder Dean had been screaming at the top of his lungs, he had been crying out in pain while trying to fend off the hell hound.

Dean moaned and began to shave violently.

“Dean it’s going to be okay.” Sam tried to reassure him.

“Come on. We need to get him out of here and fast,” Bobby said as he covered Dean with his own jacket.

Dean wasn’t unconscious but he wasn’t with it either but between Bobby and Sam, they carried him to the where they had left the cars. Once there they stripped him down and doused his wounds with holy water. They always treated their injuries with holy water just in case anything demonic, supernatural or just plain unholy infected the wounds. It was better to be safe than sorry and after a fight with a hell hound they weren’t about to take any risks. 

Sam rummaged in the trunk for clean clothes for Dean, while Bobby tried to stem the blood loss. He quickly patched Dean up, all the while keeping up a running commentary to keep the boy focused. 

“I know you feel like shit and trust me you don’t look crash hot either but it’s not too bad,” he lied. “A lot of the scratches are shallow. They’ll heal nicely. You’re legs and shoulder aren’t too good and you might need a few stitches but you’re gonna be fine. Sore, bruised and battered but you’re alive.”

Dean nodded, he really didn’t have the energy for anything else.

“You’ve lost a lot of blood but we’ll see how you are once we get on the road. You might be able to just rest and get on top of it but if the bleeding doesn’t slow down, you’re gonna need a transfusion.”

“No hospitals,” Dean told Bobby.

“We’ll see. Don’t start bargaining with me. If you need a hospital you’ll go to a hospital. Sam and I didn’t fight to save your ass to lose you this way.”

“Alright,” Dean agreed.

It was obvious the fight had been knocked out of the boy but Bobby wondered just how badly it would affect Dean. After all being dragged away by hell hounds and fighting for your life isn’t exactly normal, even in their line of work.

He finished dressing the last of the wounds and gave Dean a couple of heavy duty painkillers, “Don’t have a lot of stuff with me but that should do ya until we can get more supplies when we stop. We’ll clean you up better at the motel. In the meantime you just rest up.”

“I’m okay,” Dean told Bobby but the chattering of his teeth belied his assurances.

“Bullshit but you will be,” Bobby tired to sound up beat but he had his doubts. The wounds were nasty and Dean seemed to be in shock. Bobby wrapped a blanket around Dean’s shoulders to stave off further cold. “You’re gonna feel a lot worse before you feel better but believe when I say you will be okay.” 

“Am I going with you?” Dean asked Bobby.

Bobby did a double take. “What’s wrong with your car?” He asked confused by Dean’s question.

“Sam needs it.”

“Unless he is planning on doing something I don’t know about then all he needs it for is to get you to a motel.”

“Oh.”

“You hit your head at all when that hound dragged you to the river?” Bobby started feeling for lumps and cuts.

“I’m alright,” Dean turned his head away from Bobby’s hands.

Oblivious to Bobby’s concerns, Sam bounded around to where the other two were. “Here put these on,” he told his brother as he helped Dean into some clean clothes. “The stuff is loose enough so they shouldn’t irritate your injuries.”

Dean looked Sam up and down, “What happened to you?” he asked as he touched Sam’s bloodied shirt. 

Sam was slightly surprised, “It’s your blood, from when I carried you.”

Dean nodded but he seemed a little vague.

Sam was trying to judge how well Dean was coping, “Dean do you remember what happened to you?” 

“The hell hound came…it….” Dean seemed to zone out and stared off into space.

Bobby tipped his head at Sam indicating that the younger man should let it go. Dean was obviously struggling with what had happened and now was not the time to push things with him. Besides they needed to get out of the town before the authorities turned up.

“Sam why don’t you go change your clothes and then hit the road.”

Once he had changed, Sam returned to Dean pulling him into a huge hug. “I was so worried I had lost you.”

“Sam..” Dean squeaked feebly.

Sam rolled his eyes and smiled happily. His relief at seeing Dean alive was written all over his face but for Dean the joy of being alive was muted. Since he had survived, Dean assumed that Sam would leave any second but as the minutes passed it became clear that Sam would stay with him at least until he was healed. Unfortunately Dean feared that the longer Sam stayed with him the harder it would be for Dean to let him go when the time came. 

Bobby on the other hand was more than a little worried. Dean had suffered both physically and emotionally during the fight. He was vulnerable and weak but something else was wrong although Bobby couldn’t a finger on it at the moment. _Could be shock,_ he reasoned. The boy had just escaped a god awful eternity by seconds so he was entitled to act oddly but somehow Bobby just knew that all wasn’t right with him. Sam on the other hand was one-eighty the other way. He was excessively buoyant and Bobby feared that he would crash too when the impact of the night finally hits him. All in all these two were a disaster and Bobby wanted them where he could keep an eye on them.

“We’ll get going,” Sam announced. “Dean maybe you should lie down in the back seat,” he suggested. “You can at least stretch out there.”

“No.”

“Come on man. It will hurt more sitting up…”

“Front seat Sam.” Dean almost growled so Sam relented and eased Dean into the passenger seat.”

“You two go. I got this covered,” the older man said looking back to where the battle had taken place.

“What are you going to do Bobby?”

“Well I’ll give you boys a head start then follow you. In about an hour or so, once we’re well and truly across the state line I’ll tip off the authorities that I was passing through town and came upon these folks chanting and screaming in the street. I’ll tell them that it scared the bejeebees out of me, so I hightailed it out of there because it looked liked some satanic mumbo jumbo was going on. It’ll be an anonymous tip of course. You know how it is, don’t want to leave my name in case those cult people find out who snitched and they’ll try to come after me. Besides I think these folks are gonna need a lot of help so no point any of us sticking around. Let’s leave this one for the authorities.”

Sam smiled sadly. So many lives had changed because of the demons. He didn’t envy what these people now had to deal with. Turning his thoughts on more immediate issues he asked Bobby, “So where do you want to meet up?”

“I think we should head back to my place but Dean needs a rest…”

“…That’s eight hundred miles Bobby,” Sam exclaimed.

“I know that boy.” Bobby was amazed that these kids were so smart and yet so dumb sometimes. “We all need a decent rest but I want to put as much distance as possible between us and this place before the story breaks. So we’ll just keep driving until just before dawn. I reckon we could make it to Davenport in Iowa before sun up. Get ourselves settled while it’s still dark so we don’t have to explain to anyone what happened to Dean.” 

Bobby nodded to Dean hoping the boy understood what he was getting at but Dean just gave him a vacant stare. “You’re covered in mud, blood and scratches. It’s a little hard to explain what happened to you when the news of dead bodies and satanic cults breaks. We don’t need any unnecessary questions about what happened. So you stay in the car,” he warned Dean. 

“Okay. What about Sam?”

Sam screwed up his face and asked. “What about me?” 

“Sam’s fine Dean. He can get out of the car to buy gas if he needs to but I don’t want you two stopping to pee every few miles nor do I want to hear you boys are arguing over who’s looking out of who’s window and don’t call me to ask are we there yet.” _Damn kids!_

“Yeah okay,” Dean mumbled. 

“So back to the plan, Dean if you’re up to the drive then we can leave again when it’s dark. We should reach my place by dawn the next day. If you’re not up to it, then we stay put and lay low. You head off now, I’ll follow in a few minutes and Dean we’ll clean you up good and proper at the motel and change those bandages. And Sam…”

“Yeah?” The younger Winchester said as he opened the driver’s door.

“Take care of your brother he’s…” Bobby wasn’t sure how to put it with Dean sitting right there. “He’s had a big one tonight.” 

“Bobby we saved him from an awful death and a horrific afterlife so I’m not going to let anything happen to him now.”

“I know…just indulge an old man will ya. Now get, so I can go.”

“We’re going,” Sam smiled as he climbed into the car.

Bobby pulled the blanket tightly around Dean. “Take it easy ya hear. You’re in good hands and I’ll see you in a while. You need anything just call.”

“I just need a day or two then I will be good to go.” Dean assured him. “I don’t want to slow you down…”

“Dean right now the only place I want to be is horizontal between some clean sheets. So let’s get on the road, my bed is calling me.” Bobby squeezed Dean’s good shoulder affectionately. “Good to have you still with us boy and Sam drive smart. You don’t need any unnecessary attention from the State troopers at the moment.”

“We’ll be fine. See you in a few hours,” Sam called out the window as he drove off.

*************************************************

**Part 3**

The drive west to Iowa was uneventful. Bobby rang a couple of times and they only stopped when nature called or they needed coffee and food. However, while the drive was without incident it wasn’t without trouble. Dean was the trouble. 

The painkillers sort of did their job; they didn’t knock Dean out but he drifted in an out of sleep as they steadily traveled westward. He was clearly in pain, he was pale and he looked like he had been to hell and back literally. However, sleeping and sleeping well were two different things. Dean’s sleep was fitful and Sam almost ran them off the road a dozen times as Dean either cried out in his sleep or woke himself up screaming. Sam could easily understand the nightmares considering his brother had almost been dragged to the gates of hell by a hell hound. 

“You okay?” Sam asked after one of the many times Dean woke up yelling for help.

“Yeah,” Dean replied.

“Want to talk about it?”

“No.”

“Dean…?”

“Do I look like a girl?” Dean snapped as he gave Sam one of his patented _let it go_ looks.

In those moments when sleep escaped him, Dean barely spoke, just stared out the window into the dark of the night. Any attempt by Sam to ask if he needed anything was met with blank looks, minimal responses or dismal silence. Part of Sam understood it; his own experiences that night had been less physical than Dean’s and yet he was dead tired, so he could well understand how exhausted his brother was. He rationalized that they were both bone tired and neither of them felt up to long conversations, still Sam wished Dean would talk a little about how he felt now that the deal was broken. After all the deal had weighed heavily on both them for so long and Sam just didn’t think it was healthy for Dean to suppress his feelings about it all. What really worried Sam though was that he had expected to see some sign of relief from Dean that the deal was off but instead Dean seemed flat and Sam just couldn’t understand why that was so. Still, despite being bothered by Dean’s less than happy behavior, Sam understandably put it down to his brother being physically and emotionally worn out. In the end he gave up any attempt at a conversation and let Dean sort out what had happened in his own head…for the time being anyway. 

The real trouble between them began when they had to make a stop. Bobby had said that Dean should stay in the car if they had to pullover anywhere so he wouldn’t bring any undue attention their way because of his appearance and injuries. So taking a piss together on the side of the road in the dark wasn’t a major issue, if you discount the fact Dean needed some serious assistance to stand on his own. However, stopping at a well lit gas station became an epic battle of wills where Dean stubbornly refused to let Sam leave the car and Sam wouldn’t let Dean out of the car to go with him. In the blink of an eye Dean went from monosyllabic sentences to full blown monologues, complete with grabbing hold of his brother’s clothes to keep him in the car when Sam tried to leave the vehicle at the gas station.

“Dean I have to go,” Sam patiently told his brother as he tried to pry Dean’s hands off him.

“You went back on the road. What, you have prostrate problems?” Dean’s voice was high pitched and he seemed to be verge of hysteria.

“No you moron, I have to go get gas and a gallon of coffee and food. I need food Dean. You need food. Now let go man. I have to get out of the car.”

“I won’t get in your way Sammy,” Dean pleaded. 

Problem was this had nothing to do with Dean getting in Sam’s way and everything to do with Dean panicking that Sam would leave him. After the events of earlier that night and escaping death by the barest margin, Dean simply wasn’t thinking straight. In fact Dean didn’t seem to be thinking at all. Deep down, at some level, part of him knew he was being irrational but that other part, the part that said ‘everyone leaves you’ was shouting louder by this stage.

Sam had had enough. While Dean didn’t want to have a conversation about the night because he wasn’t a girl from Sam’s point of view his brother was sure acting like one. “Dean you look like you have been dragged backwards through a drainpipe, you are covered in mud, your wounds are still bleeding,” he pointed to the bloodstains on Dean’s pants. “And you can’t stand up without help. While I love you to death I will not let you out of this car because quite frankly you look like a swamp creature and as Bobby said we really can’t afford to draw attention to ourselves with what the cops will find back there in Indiana.”

“Dude please…” Dean begged.

Sam leant in close and growled, “You try to get out of this car and I will lock you in the trunk for the rest of the trip. So unless you want to begin the rest of your life in the trunk of this car, sit here and I will bring you back candy, sodas, coffee and burgers but you have to stay put.”

“But…”

“I mean it Dean. The trunk or food? You’re choice.”

“Sammy…” 

Sam glared at him. 

“Fine, bring me food but stay where I can see you,” Dean whined as he let go of Sam and sat back in the seat.

“Will you just relax man! I don’t think there’s a demon left in the country after tonight.”

_It’s got nothing to do with demons_ Dean thought miserably. He wished he could be stronger and just let Sam go but he couldn’t especially after the other day. He had said he didn’t want the memory of them fucking but he had it and now it wasn’t enough he wanted more only he was sure there wouldn’t be more because the demons were gone and there was no reason for Sam to stay. So Dean was back in that world where he wanted Sam to find a normal life but he didn’t want to be left behind when his brother finally settled into that life.

***********************************

So their trip settled into a pattern of limited conversations, some bone jarring nightmares from Dean and a series of compromises when they stopped where Sam parked the car and Dean stayed in it, hidden from prying eyes, but he was still able to see Sam and conversely Sam could see Dean. It was the same when Sam booked them into the motel and unpacked the car. Dean insisted that they stay in line of sight and any attempt by Sam to understand why was met with stony silence or a very un-Dean like shrug. So by the time Sam locked the door of their motel room and laid a salt line he began to wonder what he could do to make things easier for Dean because his brother was clearly suffering some sort of post traumatic stress where he was afraid to be left alone in case the demons or hell hounds decided to come after him again. 

“We need to clean up,” Sam said as he rummaged through Dean’s bag for clean clothes and toiletries. 

“I’ll be fine.” Dean muttered as he laid his head on his arms at the table, too tired to move and definitely too worn out to care about how filthy he was. He really just wanted to sleep and maybe after a good rest he would feel more in control of things instead of this irrational _don’t leave me_ crap. He didn’t want to be like this but right now he didn’t know how to stop it either. 

“Dude you’re covered in mud.” Sam was not going to compromise on getting Dean cleaned up. No way was he letting Dean go to bed covered in that much mud and muck. Injuries aside that was just disgusting and more importantly Bobby would kill him if the older hunter arrived at the motel to find Dean in the same state he was in at Indiana; besides Dean needed his bandages changed and Sam was not about to put clean bandages over dirt laden skin. “Look there is no point in putting on clean dressings if you’re a walking cesspit otherwise you’ll end up with some raging infection. Though I know Bobby has a lot of medical stuff up at his place, I’d rather it didn’t come to that. So come on or you will be staying at Bobby’s for a very long time.”

Dean’s heart sank. Not even a day had passed and Sam was already talking about Bobby taking care of him. 

“Fine I’m moving,” Dean grumbled as he pushed himself up from the table.

He only managed to stand for a few seconds before he began to sway on his feet. Sam was there as he pitched forward catching him as he fell.

“You don’t look stupid but boy you act it,” Sam huffed as held onto the dead weight of his brother. “Damn it Dean your legs are cut to pieces, you lost a fair amount of blood and you have been living on an emotional knife edge for a year. Give yourself a break man and ask for help?”

“I can manage,” Dean mumbled into Sam’s shoulder.

“Sure you can. That’s why you’re in my arms right now,” Sam pointed out. “Or is it you wanted to be in my arms?”

Dean simply snorted in reply.

“As much as I want to bend you over the nearest flat surface I think it might be smarter to wait until you can actually stand on your own, don’t you?” Sam eased Dean back on to the chair. “Easiest way to do this would be if you sat on the edge of the tub and I rinse you down so stay put until I get everything ready.”

“You want me?” Dean asked amazed.

“When I get the water hot enough yes,” Sam called from the bathroom. “No way are you walking in here alone.”

Dean seemed to deflate. “Yeah okay…right.” 

For a brief moment he had allowed himself to hope that Sam really did want him…you know that way but he realized it was useless. Sam was merely going through the motions of tending to his physical needs and Dean was a fool to hope it could be anything more.

When Sam came back to get Dean, to Dean’s surprise his brother was stark naked.

Dean didn’t mean to stare but he couldn’t help it, after all Sam had some attributes that were hard to overlook. “What happened to your clothes?” 

“I took them off.”

“Why?” Dean asked absently as he continued to stare at Sam’s flaccid cock.

Sam sighed. Obviously it was going to be a long night. “Dean! Eyes up here man,” Sam ordered pointing to his face. “Focus! We are going to get you cleaned up and then I will dress your wounds and then you can go to bed,” he explained very slowly as if Dean wouldn’t understand a conversation at normal speed.

“So why did you take off your clothes? I thought I had to get cleaned up?” Dean asked as his eyes drifted to Sam’s nether regions again.

“Did you hit your head when you were dragged from the house?” Sam asked as he began feeling for lumps and bumps.

Dean batted Sam’s hands away. “Why is everyone doing that?” It had been bad enough when Bobby checked him out but now Sam was at it too.

“Gee let me think? Could it be because you’re acting really weird Dean? Maybe, just maybe, you are not making sense and for a guy who just got handed his life back you appear a little under-whelmed. Now I appreciate you’re probably dead tired and those scratches must hurt like a bitch but you are so far off center I’m seriously considering taking you to a hospital…”

“…and leaving me there?” 

“Yes, no…only if they….why are we having this conversation Dean? It was a hypothetical situation. If I thought you needed a doctor you would be seeing one and if he kept you in the hospital then I figure you would need to be there for a good reason but fear not lover I would bring you flowers. Happy now?”

“I didn’t hit my head.” Dean stressed again.

“Actually I think I would have preferred it if you had, then I could justify why my brother is acting like an idiot. Now I’m left wondering what is wrong or what I did wrong or if anything is wrong.”

Dean decided to end this before it got really out of hand, “Can I get cleaned up now?” 

Sam ran a hand through his hair. He was crazy for standing here butt naked arguing with a guy who was suffering from some form of PTSD. The conversation seemed to be going in circles and Sam so too tired to deal with it right now.

“Come on let’s get you undressed,” he said as he carefully pulled Dean’s shirt over his head. “Lift up a bit,” he ordered as he eased down the track pants leaving Dean naked as he was. He gently removed the various bandages and dressings, pulled Dean to his feet and all but carried him into the bathroom.

Sam eased Dean onto the edge of the tub with his legs inside it. He angled the water onto Dean, careful that the spray was strong enough to wash away the mud and blood but gentle enough to not cause Dean too much discomfort.

“Son of bitch,” Dean gasped as the water hit the scratches. 

“Sorry dude I was trying to be careful but there’s no easy way to do this.”

“I feel like I’ve been flayed,” Dean hissed through gritted teeth.

Sam didn’t have the heart to tell him that’s what he looked like, so he didn’t say anything at all. Instead he made quick work of cleaning them both up before Dean fell asleep where he sat.

“Close you eyes while I wash your hair.”

“I don’t want my hair washed; I hurt,” Dean griped.

“You’re getting your hair washed because it’s caked with mud and you hurt because you’re scratched all over,” Sam patiently explained. “Now close your eyes.”

Dean sighed. He so didn’t want to be in this situation. It reminded him too much of the other day when they showered together and that was something he would rather not think about right now.

They finished their shower in silence; Dean trying not to remember how good it felt to let Sam be in control and Sam trying to forget how good Dean felt under his hands.

Dean was drifting in and out of sleep by the time Sam turned off the water, dried them both and helped him to the bed. 

“Take these.” Sam held out a couple of pills and a bottle of water in his hand. “They’ll take the edge off the pain and might help you sleep.”

Dean dutifully took the medication and laid down waiting for Sam to tend to him but he was pretty much out of it by the time his head hit the pillow. He vaguely remembered the flush of holy water, cold against his warm skin and he definitely recalled the sting of the antiseptic as it hit his wounds but he didn’t remember being covered up or Sam whispering words of encouragement and love to him as he drifted in and out of consciousness. Nor did he hear Bobby come in and check on him, although part of him recalled hushed voices and gentle hands that felt his forehead or touched his legs. By that stage Dean was wandering in that dream world that kept him only loosely tethered to the here and now but most of the time he was just floating.

****************************************

Bobby arrived at the motel an hour or so after the boys. He had already liaised with Sam as to where they would stay and arranged to get some medical supplies and pain meds for Dean before booking in. By the time he made it to the boys’ room Dean had been cleaned up and was settled on the bed.

“How’s he doing,” Bobby asked as he entered the room.

Sam sighed wearily, “A bit out of…more than a bit actually.”

“He’s gonna be a bit up and down I imagine.” Bobby pulled back the sheet and checked the severity of the wounds now that he had better light to see them in. He let out a long breath, “Fairly scratched him up. The ones on his legs are the worst. The rest should heal okay. You clean them properly?” 

“I flushed them out with holy water and antiseptic. Didn’t have much in the way of dressings, so I just covered him with the sheet until you could get here,” Sam explained as he stroked Dean’s head trying to soothe his brother who had begun to whimper in his sleep. “Gave him a few painkillers too; the ones that have a sedative in them. On the drive here he’d fall asleep then wake up screaming. He needs a decent rest but he’s not sleeping well at all. This has seriously screwed with him Bobby.”

“Boy’s been through a lot. His mind most likely won’t let him relax. Just keep an eye on him and hopefully he’ll get a little rest. Come on let’s patch him up; wouldn’t want to try and do that while he’s awake again. I think he’s had enough suffering tonight to last him a lifetime.”

They worked quickly to dress the wounds. Turning Dean this way and that, applying lotions, dressings and bandages to the numerous lacerations. Each time they moved him Dean moaned softly and sometimes, even though he was asleep, he called for Sam. Not the screaming at the top of his lungs calling but hushed entreaties for his brother to help him.

Sam felt helpless. He was right here and yet in Dean’s mind he must have seemed so far away. The thing that struck Sam was that Dean was the sort of guy who adopted a casual attitude to everything especially when he was hurt. Sam had seen Dean with some serious injuries and while his brother might need major patching up or he might sleep for hours because of those injuries or complain that the wounds hurt something fierce he didn’t let them affect him. Dean was the guy who, while bandaged from head to toe, but would be on his feet as soon as he could demanding food or wanting to get back on the road to go hunting again. Injuries didn’t slow him down and they rarely if ever caused nightmares, certainly not to the extent Sam had seen in the last few hours. That’s not to say Dean wasn’t fucked up by what had happened to him in the past but he hid it well and Sam would know since he spent almost every minute with his brother.

Bobby felt Dean’s forehead. “He’s warm.”

“So? He can’t have an infection already. We did everything right. It’s too soon for that to be a problem Bobby.”

“Not when you’re dealing with something supernatural it isn’t. It may not come to anything but keep a close eye on him; all we can do at this stage.” Bobby bundled the medical supplies back into a bag. “Here you keep this stuff and change those dressings in a few hours or if the blood seeps through. I don’t think he’ll need a transfusion but he will be pretty flat until he gets his strength back. Blood loss does that to a man.”

“He’s gonna to be okay isn’t he?” Sam needed to know that everything was alright and hearing that Dean not only had to recover from his wounds but also had to fight off a potential super, as in supernatural, bug was not what Sam wanted to hear right now. They had saved Dean that should have been the end of it. Nowhere in the ‘Bobby and I have it covered plan’ was Dean supposed to have been dragged away by a hell hound, scratched to pieces and then forced to stay in a seedy motel, semi-conscious trying to fight off some supernatural infection. He was supposed to be out having a few beers and planning the rest of his life or fucking Sam into next week. Not this, never this.

“Ain’t gonna let anything hurt that boy son. Besides he’s got us watching over him so he’ll be just fine. Call me if anything changes or you’re worried and get some sleep. Lord knows that’s what I aim to do,” Bobby checked Dean one last time before he left the room.

Sam sat on the other bed and watched his brother toss and turn. When Dean was stronger he would move back into the bed with him but for now Dean needed the space. He had intended to watch over Dean but exhaustion took its toll and before long Sam had drifted into a dreamless sleep unlike his brother who endured endless nightmares where he fought off demons and hell hounds. 

*************************************************

**Part 4**

By the end of that first day Bobby and Sam were in agreement that Dean shouldn’t be moved until he was stronger. The long drive to Bobby’s place in South Dakota would most likely set him back and that’s the last thing they wanted or he needed. As it was he seemed to be running a low grade fever as if his body was trying hard to ward off something but at the moment his body was winning and they wanted it to stay that way. The blood loss was his biggest problem. It would have been better if Dean could have had a transfusion but it was just too problematic to explain to a doctor what had happened to the man. Besides while he had lost a lot of blood, it wasn’t like he had almost bled out. So with a bit of rest and some food hopefully he would be as good as new. Might take a bit longer than if he had had a transfusion but he would be fine in due course. So they decided to stay put for a few more days and let Dean take his time recovering.

For Dean the days since he’d escaped the hell hound’s claws were a blur. Between his injuries, exhaustion and a years worth of emotional upheaval his body just gave up and he drifted in and out of consciousness. In some ways it was a blessing. He was never quite with it when Bobby and Sam tended to his wounds which made it easier for them as they had no wish to make him anymore uncomfortable than he already was. Sometimes he would utter a word or two but nothing really coherent. He vaguely recalled being washed and dressed by gentle hands and many a time he drifted back to sleep to the sound of soothing words and promises that everything would be alright. 

So in many ways he was eased the pain that accompanied the initial period after his run in with the hell hound but in other ways his semi-conscious state made him a prisoner of his own mind and there he was besieged by nightmares of hell, devil dogs and hordes of demons clawing at his flesh trying to drag him into the fiery pit.

Sam lost count of the number of nightmares Dean had during those days and he stopped jumping up every time Dean screamed or called out or talked in his sleep, that is until the nightmares changed. About three days after they had come to the motel Sam was woken by Dean calling out for him. 

“Don’t leave me,” he pleaded. “Sammy I need you. Please don’t go…” 

“Dean I’m here,” he told his brother as he raced to his side only to discover that Dean was talking in his sleep. 

Sam sat for a long time next to Dean listening to his angst ridden dreams of abandonment and loneliness. He tried talking to Dean hoping his calm and earnest voice would wake him but Dean seemed locked in his dreams. So Sam was treated to an insight into just what was going on in his brother’s head. It had been bad enough to know that he had been reliving the hell hound’s attack but to hear his plaintive entreaties for Sam to stay were far worse because that was something Sam knew Dean had feared all his life. 

From the moment their mother died Dean had lived an insecure life bereft of a tight family network for support. His life was devoid of normal childhood friendships and experiences and his emergence into adulthood was one of life and death situations on a regular basis and for a long time now Sam was well aware of Dean’s increasing need to belong to a world that he hadn’t known since he was four years old. Sam was the only constant in Dean’s life and yet even that seemed tenuous as the threat of Sam leaving him to return to a normal life seemed to cloud Dean’s every thought. 

Dean’s dreams were worse than any wound because they were cut so deeply into his already wounded psyche and Sam didn’t know how to heal them. He had told Dean again and again that he would be with him come rain, hail or shine. Heck he had even slept with his brother and honestly Sam thought that should have been the biggest clue that he wasn’t planning on going anywhere, so he really was at a loss as to what to do to get through to Dean. All Sam could do was be there for him and hope that eventually, even if it did take years, Dean would realize that he was staying right by his side, in his bed and in his face if needs be.

*****************************************

Some six days after they had left Indiana Dean finally woke up and found himself in a strange and darkened room. He was slightly disoriented but a check of the bedside clock told him that not only was it the middle of the night but also according to the date he had been asleep for days. He sat up tentatively. His body looked like it had been slashed, well what he could see that wasn’t covered in dressings and bandages. He had to admit he ached from head to toe but all things considered he had come out of it all relatively unscathed, if you ignored the fact that he had been savaged by a supernatural puppy with a liking for human flesh. 

He looked around the room and in the dim light noticed Sam on the other bed. His heart sank. It’s not like they had been sleeping together forever but after their first time together Dean sort of hoped, maybe even assumed, that Sam would join him in bed when ever the opportunity arose. Of course seeing his brother sprawled out on the other bed simply confirmed his underlying insecurities that Sam was distancing himself as a prelude to leaving.

Dean needed the bathroom and seeing as Sam had chosen not to sleep with him in the same bed he decided that now was as good a time as any to learn to live without Sam’s help. Starting from now Dean realized that he had to learn to manage on his own. So he took a deep breath and pushed himself to his feet. 

_You can do this,_ he told himself as he took a few cautious steps towards the bathroom. However, he wasn’t as steady or as strong as he thought he was; one minute he was standing and the next he was on the floor cursing up a storm because he had knocked his leg on the edge of the bed, tripped and fell, landing on his sore shoulder. He couldn’t understand it, while his legs were badly scratched and his other injuries were painful, he didn’t really think they were so debilitating that he couldn’t get around; here it was six days after he was injured and yet he couldn’t even manage to walk to the bathroom on his own.

The lights suddenly came on and Sam was by his side in a flash. “What are you doing? Is it so hard to ask for help?”

“You were in the other bed?” Dean muttered as he tried to breathe through the pain.

“Not by choice,” Sam grumbled as he eased Dean back on to the bed.

“What?”

Sam sighed, he was so tired and every time he spoke with Dean lately they ended up in these weird conversations. Dean kept talking in circles and Sam was too weary to work out what he was trying to say.

“You were restless and you had nightmares and…”

“I don’t do nightmares,” Dean declared.

“Yeah you do and you were all over the damn bed so I decided to sleep over there.” Sam felt Dean’s forehead. “Bit hot. You feel okay?”

“I don’t know,” Dean admitted. 

At least Dean was honest, “You’ve been out of it for days,” Sam told his brother.

“No wonder I’m confused.”

Sam was concerned because Dean wasn’t normally so candid. “What are you confused about?”

Dean wanted to say because you’re still here but instead he simply said, “I…” but then he stopped. There was no way Dean was getting bogged down in some chick flick moment by declaring his undying love and then begging Sam not to abandon him. Instead he said, “Everything. Didn’t expect to get out of it,” he cleared his throat and looked everywhere except at Sam but at least he told the truth there; he was still coming to grips with having survived.

“Yeah well it must be playing on your mind because you screamed about hell hounds a few times.”

Dean’s eyes were huge. “Did I say anything else?”

“Why?”

“Ah no reason, just curious I guess. Look I need to go the bathroom,” Dean tried to stand but felt woozy. “What’s wrong with me?”

Sam weighed up whether he should say anything and in the end it seemed the wiser to tell Dean. “I slipped you a few sedatives…”

“You what? You said they were painkillers.”

Sam had the good grace to look sheepish. “They were,” he explained “but they had a sedative in them. Good thing too because you’ve had a tough few days. I don’t want to even think what you would have been like without them. Sorry man, I figured you wouldn’t get any rest if I didn’t give you something.” 

“Ah okay then. So can you…” Dean waved his hand towards the bathroom.

“How hard is it for you to say _Sam help me_?” Sometimes his brother was just too independent for his own good. He hauled Dean to his feet, “Come on before you pee all over the bed.”

Dean giggled and Sam was surprised that he did. “You giggled”

“I don’t giggle Sam. I’m a guy.”

“No, you giggled dude. Obviously the meds have some side effects that I hadn’t considered, like causing you to giggle like a girl.” Sam grinned at his brother as he helped him to the bathroom.

Dean snorted, “Shut up!”

“You shut up!”

Things were good for a few minutes but as they walked back to bed Dean suddenly said, “You’ll have to be a stronger man?” 

“What?” Sam was totally confused which seemed to be the norm lately.

“The song!”

“What song Dean?” Sam clearly thought Dean had lost it and made a note never to slip him sedatives again.

“The song _Bitch_ that you put on my MP3 player. _So take me as I am. This may mean you'll have to be a stronger man_ ,” he sang and then giggled again. “That’s us. I’m your bitch and you’re a stronger man.”

Sam rolled his eyes but smiled. “Dork. Lie down and go to sleep. You need the rest.”

“What about you?’

“I need it too,” Sam yawned and turned off the light before climbing into bed with Dean. 

Dean was both elated and anxious when Sam joined him in bed. “Don’t think I can get it up?” he blurted out. 

Sam mentally shook his head to catch up with where the conversation had gone to and when he realized he let out a deep sigh. “Well it’s a good thing that I’m too tired to care.’ Sam pulled him into an embrace. “Now close your eyes and sleep off the meds,” he whispered as he kissed Dean’s forehead.

Dean’s eyes had barely closed before he was asleep and Sam truly hoped that maybe Dean would have a few hours of uninterrupted sleep because the past few days had been awful. Many a time he had called Bobby because he was worried something might be wrong with Dean but Bobby had assured him it was just a culmination of the effects of his injuries, exhaustion and a truck load of emotional crap that was working its way out of Dean’s system.

What really worried Sam was that Dean was having so many dreams that were directly related to his deep seated fears that Sam would leave him. It was so frustrating to hear Dean beg in his sleep for Sam to stay and yet Sam didn’t know how to alleviate those fears. At least Dean seemed to rest better with Sam next to him and for that Sam was grateful.

Around late afternoon the following day Sam decided to call Bobby to discuss when they should get moving again. They had stayed long enough to get Dean through the worst of the pain and while he still seemed to have an underlining fever Sam began to think they would be better off at Bobby’s place if it all went to shit which he hoped it wouldn’t. 

Rather than disturb Dean, Sam went into the bathroom to call Bobby on his cell phone. He talked with the older hunter about their alternatives and both agreed that since it had now been a week Dean should be strong enough for them to move him. They would stock up on medical supplies and if Dean gets a reasonable night’s sleep then they would depart early tomorrow morning for Bobby’s place. Sam suggested that they head into town as soon as possible and get what they needed as well as pick up dinner for the three of them. Since Dean had been up last night Sam hoped that his brother would feel like having something more substantial to eat than soup again. Sam said that although he had topped up Dean’s meds they were only painkillers this time, not the ones with sedatives in them and he didn’t want to cause Dean any unnecessary pain when he dressed the wounds. He stressed to Bobby that he didn’t want to be gone too long in case Dean woke. The last thing he wanted was for Dean to think he had left him. Bobby laughed and added that they should take his truck in case Dean woke and saw the Impala was gone. He didn’t want the boy thinking they had not only left but taken his car as well. That would be one shock that Dean wouldn’t recover from easily.

Dean stirred as the sound of the hushed conversation occasionally made it into his conscious mind. The words didn’t make sense, whether it was because he was half asleep or because he had fever but he only heard snippets of what was said.

“…best way to go…tonight? Okay…good idea.”

“A hunt?...”

“Look I’ll go…”

“Yeah. He’s pretty out of it…”

“…he’ll be fine.”

Dean sort of heard something heavy scraping on the table and he was half aware of Sam brushing the hair off his forehead before he drifted back to sleep. The next time he woke it was dark outside and this time he was alone in the room.

He turned on the bedside light and sat on the edge of the bed. He felt a bit better than he had last time he woke so maybe Sam’s knockout bombs had done the trick. He took in the state of the room which was bathed in a soft dull light and he noted that Sam wasn’t in bed. 

“Sam?” he called thinking his brother was in the bathroom.

When he didn’t get a response he decided to check in case his dorky little brother was asleep in the tub. He carefully stood up and was pleased to discover that although he felt a bit weak he could actually stand on his own. 

He slowly walked to the bathroom, “Sam?” he called but Sam wasn’t there at all. You didn’t have to be Einstein to work out that Sam had gone, especially since they weren’t staying in a luxury hotel. Their accommodation consisted of a bedroom come dining room come kitchen and a bathroom. So if Sam wasn’t in either room then where the hell was he?

Dean tried hard to quell the rising panic that his brother had left him behind. He staggered to the table and sat down wearily. That’s when he noticed the heavy metal storage box which he normally kept in the trunk of the Impala. He wasn’t sure why it had been brought in from the car, it didn’t really matter anyway the point was, it was here. It was as he sat there staring at the box that he noticed a piece of paper sticking out from underneath it. He grabbed the paper but it tore in half as the weight of the box held part of the paper firmly under it. Not that that mattered though as he had the important part.

There in his brother’s scrawl were the words:

And just like that, with a mere seven words Dean found himself alone. He screwed up the note and tossed it on the floor. “Son of a bitch,” he whispered but there was no heat in his words as he had been expecting this all along. Still he couldn’t believe that Sam would just leave him without even saying goodbye but here was the proof no Sam and Dean, still recovering, left to fend for himself.

Then memories of that conversation he had overheard began to surface; something about Sam taking a hunt and Dean being fine. Dean didn’t need a college education to fill in the gaps. He decided that Sam must be doing a job for Bobby before heading back to Stanford which left Dean on his own once more. Everything he had said not more than a week ago had come to pass. Sadly Dean had been right all along; now that the deal was over he simply didn’t matter anymore. His brother had fucked him and fucked off. 

He sat in the empty room contemplating what he should do. He couldn’t stay where he was, that was for sure, so he decided to hit the road and do what he did best, he would keep on hunting. He knew his legs were a bit of mess but since he could stand up, then now was as good a time as any to get moving. Although in a hurry he packed his gear slowly; it’s not that he was careful about how he packed his bag he simply didn’t have the strength to be bouncing around the room looking for stuff. So while he was moving slowly he was pleased with the fact that at least he was moving. 

In his haste to leave or maybe because he was sicker than he realized he didn’t notice that Sam’s bag was next the other bed or that clothes and toiletries still littered the bathroom. Dean had just grabbed everything in arms reach. Nor did it occur to him that maybe he should settle the account before heading off. No Dean was just focused on getting out of there and so these other things never entered his mind.

Once his bag was packed, he turned to pick up his wallet off the bedside table and noticed the cars keys sitting next to it. Hoping against hope he went outside and sure enough the Impala was still there. “At least he left me my car,” Dean said quietly as he smiled sadly at his baby, “Just you and me girl, just you and me.”

A quick glance around the parking lot told him that Bobby’s truck was gone and somehow that hurt just as much as Sam leaving because Bobby had been like a Dad to him, especially since John had died. 

_They must have gone off together,_ he reasoned. 

He shook his head trying to work out why he never mattered to people. Heck neither of them had stayed long enough to get him on his feet, literally, before they headed off to do their own thing. They had just up and left him and he assumed he was nothing more than a distant memory to them now.

Not much he could do about it though, so he picked up his things, turned off the light and closed the door to the room that had been his home for seven excruciating days. As he went to throw his bag in the car he remembered he hadn’t picked up the storage box so opened the door and in the glow from the parking lot lights he grabbed the box off the table, stowed it in the trunk and carefully eased himself into the car. 

He wasn’t sure how far he could drive; hell he wasn’t even sure he could drive but if guts and determination meant anything then Dean would drive that car for as long as he could. He decided to keep driving until the pain in his legs or shoulder or wherever forced him to stop and so he gritted his teeth, started the engine and without a backward glance headed off to begin his new but solitary life.

 

*************************************************

**Part 5**

By the time Sam and Bobby returned to the motel Dean was long gone.

“Bobby stop!” Sam screamed. 

Bobby slammed on the brakes as Sam leapt from the truck and looked around the parking lot. “Where’s the Impala?” He called, as he raced to the room he shared with Dean.

The door was unlocked, “Dean?” he called as he flew inside. “Dean?” he kept calling as he ran into the bathroom. 

It was obvious Dean was gone, his bag was missing, as were the car keys and the box on the table but some of his things were still lying around seemingly overlooked in his haste to get away. Sam’s first thought was that demons had taken Dean but since when did demons pack bags and drive cars? An aura of disbelief settled over Sam as he stood in the empty room trying to comprehend why and where Dean had gone.

He found a piece of paper scrunched up on the floor. It was the note, well half the note, he had left for Dean. He found the other half on the table untouched. He reread the note and shook his head. He wasn’t sure if he was mad at Dean for leaving in his condition or mad at himself for thinking he could leave Dean unattended for even a second.

“Where the hell is Dean?” Bobby asked as he burst into the room.

“Gone,” Sam announced as he handed Bobby the torn note.

“You told him you were going and what he thinks you just up stakes and left him to take care of himself.” Bobby reread the note trying to understand why Sam would leave such a message to a man who was clearly not in his right mind. “I thought you two were close?”

Sam tried so hard not to blush, “We are close,” he mumbled. He realized albeit too late that he had seriously underestimated just how insecure Dean was. Even being aware of Dean’s fears that Sam’s departure was imminent and despite all the verbal and physical reassurances he had given Dean it hadn’t been enough to convince him that he cared and wanted to stick around.

“Well can he even drive?” Bobby asked as he tried to get his head around the fact that a little over twenty four hours ago Dean had barely been able to stand on his own. “Where does he find the strength?” he muttered to himself.

“Can he drive in his condition? I don’t know but the car’s gone,” Sam pointed to the spot where the Impala had been parked. “He’s sick Bobby. He has no idea what he’s doing he just knows that has to go. He’s running on adrenaline and not much else. Look I checked him before we went out. He felt hot. I was worried that the fever was getting out of control which is why I was keen for us to get to your place. I know you have a lot of medical stuff there and I thought that if he needed something you would have it on hand but it seems we might be too late; I think that maybe we missed something and he has an infection.”

“Well if Dean doesn’t have an infection now he sure will after this stunt.” Bobby snapped out of frustration. “Darn stupid boy. So where the hell would he go?” 

Sam threw his hands in the air. “I have no idea. It’s a big country and he could’ve gone in any direction.” Sam tried ringing Dean’s cell phone but he was either refusing to pick up or he didn’t have it turned on, Sam wasn’t sure which. Regardless he left a message, “Dean where are you? Come on man this isn’t funny. Answer the damn phone! Dean listen to me you’re sick and you need to rest. Pull over, call me and Bobby and I will come and get you.”

Sam sat down and put his head in his hands. “This is my fault.”

“Why do you think that? Just because you left him alone is hardly reason for him to pack up his toys and leave, even if he did misunderstand your note.”

Sam laughed and shook his head, “Actually Bobby that’s exactly why he left.”

“Wanna try and explain it a bit better for an old man?”

“He got it into his head a while ago that regardless of how things turned out in Indiana, I would leave him and go back to college.”

“Why would he think that?”

“How the hell do I know Bobby? All I do know is we argued about it. He said if he died I would be gone before his body was cold and if he lived then I would have no reason to stay hunting because we’d got rid of the demons. He was all pent up and scared and he said that he didn’t matter to anyone; that not even Mom had cared about him. He was so hurt.”

“He seemed fine the night we headed out for Indiana so you must have done something right to calm him down.”

Sam blushed, bit his lip and looked around the room, “Ah yeah he was fine.”

That niggling feeling that all was not right with the boys surfaced again, “Sam, what’s going on with you two?”

Sam shrugged and looked at his hands.

Bobby just knew Sam knew more than he was letting on, “Sam what did you do?”

Sam started at the floor, “Nothing.”

Bobby was unconvinced, “Sam,” he roared. “What the hell did you do to him?”

“Bobby you have to understand that Dean and I, well our lives together…we’re never apart….”

Irrespective of the fact that Sam towered over Bobby, the older man grabbed Sam by the shirt and dragged him to his feet, “What did you do?”

“I slept with him,” Sam squeaked.

“You what?”

“Bobby please…”

Bobby let go of Sam and staggered back to the other chair. “You slept with your brother? You slept with your brother?” he yelled.

Sam coughed to clear his throat, “Fucked him blind actually.”

“You know that’s illegal right? It’s called _incest_ Sam. Brothers don’t fuck brothers and Dean…well don’t get me started. He’s not like you Sam. This life is all he has. He’ll never go to college, it’s probably too late to teach him a new way of life, and all he has is his family. When John went that left you, Sam. He needed you…he…hell he certainly didn’t need you screwing him.”

“I needed him too, okay.” Sam shouted at the older man, his frustration over the situation mounting. He began pacing back and forth, “You have no idea what it’s been like knowing he sold his soul for me and that I had to watch him die. I couldn’t do it Bobby. I spent the whole year trying to find a way to keep him alive and then we found it, except he didn’t believe it would work. He kept saying that he had given up everything for me, including his life and he asked me why I didn’t care. God Bobby, he is the center of my world how could I not care?”

“I’ve seen a lot of stupid things in my day and they have usually involved the Winchesters but this? Well this one is out of left field even for you lot. Sam did ya have to sleep with him to prove you cared? No good can come of it boy.”

“He wanted it too Bobby. We both wanted it. He said it was wrong but…”

“…but you convinced him to do it anyway,” Bobby said filling in the gaps. “And he went with it and for reasons best known to Dean and he now thinks you’re not interested anymore. Am I right?”

“Ah yeah pretty much. On the drive here he wouldn’t let me out of his sight and he was upset that I slept in the other bed until I explained that he needed the space because of his injuries. Even when I climbed into bed with him he was apologizing because he couldn’t get it up…”

“Whoa there boy, that’s way more than I need to know.”

Sam blushed further. “Sorry,” he muttered. “The point is Bobby I didn’t put the moves on him or anything. I just wanted to hold him. He had had so many nightmares and I just wanted to make him to feel safe but I think deep down he felt if he didn’t perform then I wouldn’t be interested. I know I screwed up but that doesn’t change the fact that I want him in every way possible and he wants me. I know he does.”

“Sam, Dean isn’t…he’s fragile I guess. He is so desperate to be loved and wanted. You had to know that he would feel like this; that it might blow up in his face. You can’t just fuck someone and hope that makes everything else alright.”

“It wasn’t a one time thing Bobby. Don’t you see I love him, so it just seemed to be the best way to show him how I felt?”

“Okay, okay I get it. Don’t like it but I sort of understand it. You boys never had much of a life, it makes sense you would turn to each other. Don’t make it right but it’s not my place to tell you how to live your lives. You’re both consenting adults and hunting is lonely enough, so if you can find a bit of happiness and pleasure then I’m not about to tell you to give it up. My guess is you two wouldn’t survive without each other anyway so…look just don’t spread it around what you’re doing; folks don’t take too kindly to that sort of thing.”

“Thanks,” Sam gave a tired smile in appreciation before returning to the problem at hand. “Look, I gotta find him Bobby.”

“Well where would he go? He hasn’t had time to line up a hunt so is there anywhere that you boys like to go to? Some place you’ve talked about visiting? Fishing holidays, surfing, sightseeing…?”

“The Grand Canyon,” Sam cried out as he jumped up and looked in his bag for a road map. “He once told me that the two things he wanted to do most were to see the Grand Canyon and to go to Hollywood to bang Lindsay Lohan.”

“Boy I’ve heard way too much about your brother’s sexual tastes, enough to do me a lifetime.”

“Sorry. We did a job in Hollywood and no he didn’t get to see Lindsay Lohan,” Sam added. “But even when we argued the other day he said that he wanted to spend his last days getting laid, or going to the movies or since we ran out of time to go there to look at travel brochures of the Grand Canyon.” 

Bobby scrubbed a hand over his face, “Dean thinks about sex a lot doesn’t he?”

“Yeah but he hasn’t had much until…”

“No don’t say it. I’ve got enough images running around in my head right now. There is one good thing to come out of all this though.”

“What’s that?” asked Sam.

“When you two stay at my place I’ll only need to make up one bed. Less sheets to wash,” he winked as he stood up. “Okay pack your gear and I’ll go load up the truck we have a road trip to go on.”

**************************************************

“Okay, so how far exactly is the Grand Canyon from here?” Bobby asked as they rocketed down the highway after Dean.

“About twelve hundred miles,” Sam muttered under his breath.

“Did you just say twelve hundred miles? If we average fifty miles an hour then we’d be driving for twenty-four hours straight. That’s fine for us, we can tag team the drive but your brother can’t. So where is he likely to stop? Please tell me he will stop?”

“Yeah he’ll stop.” Sam flicked through the yellow pages he’d taken from the motel. “My guess is he won’t manage too well with his legs the way they are and if that fever picks up he’ll definitely pull over. At best he’ll probably only last a few hours so he might reach Omaha in Nebraska or anywhere in between.” 

“Omaha’s not exactly a small town son. How do we find him? He won’t answer the phone and he’s an hour or so ahead of us.”

“When we were younger, anytime we were separated, we always met up at the first motel listed in the yellow pages. We booked in under the name of _Jim Rockford._ We still do it now. It’s sort of our thing.”

Bobby chuckled. “You boys come up with that all by yourselves?” 

“Dean did. He was always watching the _Rockford Files_ on TV. Not a lot for us to do as kids with Dad out hunting and we were in motels for days on end.”

“I know I’m gonna regret asking this but you boys never got involved before the other day? Seems like the life you led would have tended to push you together.”

“Yeah well I guess we’ve always been super close. Pretty much why Dean sold his soul for me but we never acted on anything before the other day. I think we both thought about it but unless one of us indicated we wanted it then we would never have done anything. It’s not like you sit down and say _hey you interested in screwing around tonight_? You know what I mean?”

“Yeah I think so. So what changed the other day?”

“We were shouting at each other and I stepped into his personal space and…” Sam stared out the window, his words left hanging.

“…and what?”

“Dean got a hard on.”

“I just knew I shouldn’t have asked.”

“So it was a little obvious and that was the sort of signal I had been waiting for so I acted on it. Besides he only had two days left; if he was going to die I wanted him to die happy.”

“You couldn’t have taken him to dinner and had a few beers?”

Sam took a deep breath; he had wondered that himself but in the end he simply replied, “It felt right Bobby.”

“You know most folks think committing incest will send you to hell.”

Sam snorted, “Do you believe that?”

“Nah. You can’t help who you fall in love with. Like I said before, I’m no angel so I can hardly condemn you for being in love. Hell, I’m the guy who killed his wife.”

“She was possessed, what choice did you have?”

“I guess there are always choices. I just didn’t know what the options were back then.”

“I’m sorry. I guess Dean and I have just added to your troubles.”

“That what you think? You boys are like family to me. Can’t say I’m happy but I have to admit the more I think about it I can’t say I’m surprised either. Don’t worry, we’ll find him and then I’ll give him a piece of my mind.”

Sam winced. He was sure Dean would not be pleased to know that Bobby knew their intimate secrets.

“Stop squirming, I want to tell him off for driving in his condition. The idjit should know better. Darn fool running off into the night like a lovesick girl,” Bobby growled. “Well don’t just sit there boy start calling all the places he might be at between here and the Canyon. Can’t be too many Jim Rockford’s on the road tonight.

 

**************************************************

**Part 6**

“Sam we’ve been on the road for two hours and we haven’t seen a sign of him, we don’t know where he’s staying and he won’t pick up the phone. For all we know he could still be drivin’ or maybe we’re on the wrong road. If he’s as sick as you think he is and considering the state of his legs well I just don’t think he could keep drivin’ for that long.”

Bobby was frustrated and Sam understood it, after all he had sent them racing down the highway heading west when Dean may well have gone to the north, south or east. “Well people do weird things when they’re sick so who knows what he’s capable of,” Sam mused as he stared out the window into the darkness. “But I think I have an idea how we might find him.” 

Bobby was desperate for a lead. “Well don’t keep it to yourself boy.” 

“On our way to Indiana we stopped a few times but the last time was not far from Davenport and I filled the tank. Haven’t used the car much this week, so if my estimates are correct that means the tank would be about three quarters full. So assuming Dean doesn’t stop until he needs gas then he wouldn’t get much further than around three hundred, three fifty miles.”

“That’s a long haul for a man who can barely walk.”

“I agree but if he took painkillers then he might be able to push himself,” though Sam was more afraid that Dean would have an accident because he was so out of it rather than keep driving until he needed to get gas. “Bobby I just think that he is fixated on the Grand Canyon so he’ll go this way; he’s sick with fever, which means he is not in his right mind and he’s going to drive until he has to stop.”

Bobby still felt like they were looking for a needle in a haystack but they had to look somewhere and this was as good a direction as any, “So assuming he went this way where does that put him when he runs out of gas?”

“Lincoln, Nebraska,” Sam informed him. “Of course he might stop before then but I really think he won’t stop until he has to and if I know Dean he’ll just book into the motel and get gas the next day after he’s rested a bit.”

“Fantastic, so he is somewhere between here and there, sick as a dog and out of his head with fever. Stupid boy! Call him again,” Bobby ordered.

“He won’t pick up,” Sam explained, having already called Dean over a dozen times with the same result.

“Yeah but it makes me feel better; call the idjit again.”

Sam ignored the request. “Of course if Dean isn’t going to the Canyon then he could be anywhere.”

“Anywhere that’s in a three hundred and fifty mile radius, so that narrows it down some,” Bobby reminded Sam.

“True and the only thing he keeps talking about other than sex is the Grand Canyon. I have no idea what the attraction is but he wanted to see it big time.”

“Maybe because he could be like everyone else who went there,” suggested Bobby.

Sam was confused because it’s not like Dean had two heads or anything. If he stood in a crowd he _would_ be like everyone else so Sam wasn’t sure what Bobby was getting at. “What do you mean?” 

“Well he’d just be a tourist. No-one would expect him to do anything and he could let his guard down. Think about it, for just a little while Dean wouldn’t be one of John Winchester’s boys, or your brother or a hunter. All he’d have to do is soak up the sights, maybe even take a tour. So while he probably wants to see the darn place, heck we all have our Grand Canyons, my guess is it’s the lure of being normal that’s drawing him.”

Sam hadn’t thought about it like that and was now frustrated that Dean had shut him out of even a holiday together. “I would’ve taken him if he had asked,” he whined.

Bobby looked at Sam and shook his head. “I know that but Dean’s not thinkin’ straight right now and you know that, hell you’ve told me often enough tonight. All he knows is that he needs to get away from everything that his life represents and right now that’s hunting and everything supernatural. You know I’ve been thinkin’ and I bet that boy saw hell. The veil would’ve pierced as that thing dragged him towards the pit and he probably felt the heat, if you know what I mean. ”

“Yeah, yeah I do. I wondered about that too. When I found him on the riverbank he was screaming at the top of his lungs; he was so terrified but I didn’t see or feel anything. It was just peaceful down there but not for him. His eyes were huge and fixed on something right in front of him and he was pressed up against a tree with nowhere to go, clawing at the wet ground with his hands as if he was trying to grab on to something to keep him grounded and yelling for all he was worth. I’d never seen him like that Bobby. He was panic stricken and…well hysterical. I suppose that’s why he has been having so many nightmares. Damn it, I never thought about what the nightmares were all about, just that he was having them. So I guess every time he closes his eyes he probably sees hell. How can Dean ever get over that Bobby?”

“Well boy I figure that’s what your brother is trying to do now. He’s gone off in search of somewhere that is beautiful in its simplicity; somewhere where he can see for miles across a rugged landscape, blue sky above, majestic canyons below and loads of fresh, clean air. Sam, while he may have left because he thought _you_ left him, this is also about Dean needing to reconnect with the human world. Maybe after this he will be able to close his eyes and see something other than hellfire and brimstone.”

**********************************************  
Five hours and three hundred miles of endless highway later they found him. Sam had been right. Dean had driven until he had almost run out of gas then booked in to a motel in Lincoln, Nebraska. When they arrived they discovered the door to his room was unlocked and there was no salt line. His bag was just inside the door as if he didn’t have the energy to carry it any further and the car keys lay on the floor. Dean was splayed out on the bed racked with fever and his cell phone was open on the bed next to him as if he had intended to call someone but passed out before he could do it. 

Sam gently lifted Dean into his arms, “Dean! Dean it’s alright, you’re safe.”

“Sammy?” Dean’s voice was faint. “Found me.”

“Yeah I found you.” Sam felt Dean’s forehead. “He’s really hot Bobby.”

“Not surprised.” Bobby remarked as he peeled back the dressings on Dean’s legs. “These scratches are infected,” he said as he covered his nose with the back of his hand in an effort to stem the smell of the wounds.

Sam recoiled in horror as the stench hit him. The scratches were red raw from top to bottom and pus oozed along their length. “How did they get that bad in such a short a time? It’s just over a day since we changed the bandages? I know the wounds weren’t healing too well but I didn’t think they would go like that so fast.”

“My guess is we were keeping the infection at bay with the holy water but he’s a good few hours passed getting these dressings changed and that’s all it took for the infection to take hold. Remember they were made by a hell hound and anything supernatural usually causes a faster and more dangerous reaction than if it had happened in the normal world. A dog bite is bad enough so imagine what an oversized, super-strength, demonic puppy is gonna do to ya.”

“Will he be alright?”

“Well there’s nothing supernatural about those wounds now; the damage is done and that infection is rampant. It will need more than what I’ve got in the truck or at home to fix it. We’ve got no choice; he needs to get to hospital.”

“The authorities…”

“…aren’t a problem Sam. We’ll just tell ‘em he was savaged by a couple of wild dogs a few days ago. He rang us today saying he was sick and by the time we found him he was like this.”

“Okay,” Sam readily agreed. “Dean your legs are infected and it’s making you sick.” He tenderly stroked Dean’s face as he explained what was going on. “We’re gonna take you to the hospital…” 

“No…no!” Dean began to panic. “Please…don’t leave me. Please Sammy don’t…”

“Ambulance is on the way,” Bobby called from the door as he waited for the paramedics to arrive.

Sam cradled Dean in his arms. “Shhh…shhh.” He soothed as he tried to calm his fevered brother. “You’re sick but I’ll take care of you. I’m not going anywhere.” 

“Saw…note”

“You tore the note in half you idiot,” Sam sighed. It was useless trying to explain the note to him, since Dean was not with it enough to understand. 

“Don’t leave.” Dean gasped.

“Dean you have to believe me, I won’t leave you. You are the most important person in the world to me.”

Dean clutched Sam’s hand, “Love you.”

“I love you too…” But Sam never finished what he was saying. One minute Dean was talking and the next his eyes rolled back in his head, he went rigid and began to convulse.

“Bobby!” Sam screamed. “Help…”

“Paramedics are here,” the older man called as he ushered them into the room.

“Dean,” Sam cried as relinquished his hold on his brother to the paramedics.

**************************************************

Bobby had sent Sam with Dean in the ambulance while he stayed behind to gather a few things that Dean might need in hospital. By the time he arrived at the hospital Sam was at the desk filling out paperwork. “How’s he doing?” Bobby asked the younger Winchester.

“They’re looking at him now.” Sam was flat and just going through the motions. “We should be able to see him soon I hope.” 

Bobby led him to a seat “This isn’t your fault Sam.”

Sam closed his eyes and leaned his head back against the wall, “How can you say that Bobby?”

“Don’t be stupid boy. Did you scratch his legs up like that?”

Sam opened his eyes and stared at the hunter, “No.”

“Did you leave dirt and mud all over him in the hope that he would get an infection?”

“No!”

“Did you leave him lying around with filthy dressings on those wounds?”

“Of course not.”

“Then how the hell is any of this your fault?” Bobby asked.

“Well it’s not his either,” Sam replied defensively feeling the need to protect Dean.

“No, it’s not but the job has drawbacks. He got hurt doing his job and sometimes that causes problems like now.”

“But hell hounds trying to drag your soul from your body are not in our usual job line up Bobby.” Sam leaned forward and placed his head in his hands, “He almost died.”

“But not from the wounds Sam. As bad as those injuries are he still managed to hightail it across the state and get to a motel before he collapsed. That boy is downright stubborn. Anyone else would have dropped dead by now. Come on you’re not thinking rationally about all this. You feel guilty because you can’t make him understand that you love him not because he got sick. What you have to do is to work out a way to convince him that you love him and need him as much as he loves and needs you.”

“That’s what I have been trying to do but I don’t know what else to do. You know this is all new territory for me too. Every person that I have ever been close to has died. I lost Mom, Jess, Dad, let alone people I have met in recent years, people who under different circumstances I could have made a life with but Dean has been there all along. He is my constant and I almost lost him too Bobby. I can’t lose anyone else again, especially him.”

Bobby sighed and rubbed his eyes. “Sam I’m no expert but I can tell you that this sort of stuff, relationships, they’re hard work. Dean, well he’s always thought less of himself. His self esteem is rock bottom and all he ever wanted was a normal life…”

“…but he says that’s what I want. He’s wrong though, all I want is him.”

“Sam he just wants what you had when you were at college. He wants a home; a place that is his with someone who wants to be there with him. That all it’s ever been about.”

Sam wasn’t so sure, “Bobby I can’t imagine Dean not hunting.”

“Nor can I but maybe it’s time for you two to come up with a way to give yourselves what you need and still be able to hunt.”

Sam frowned. He just couldn’t see a way that would give them stability in their lives but also the flexibility to hunt.

“Look, some hunters, like me, work from home. Then there are ones like Kubrick, who you met when you found that rabbit’s foot, he worked from his motor home and then there are people like you boys. You travel like gypsies all over the place never putting down roots. Maybe what you both need is to find some place to settle down in and then go out on hunts from there. That way you will have somewhere to come home to after a hunt. Sam in simple terms it’s time to stop moving and if you two are serious about being together then it would be better to be in your own place. Just think about it will ya?”

“Okay,” but Sam was already thinking about it and the more he thought about it the more he liked the idea. Maybe that’s exactly what they needed, a place to call their own.

“Excuse me but are you here for Mr Hagar?” A nurse asked as she entered the waiting room.

Sam jumped to his feet. “Is he alright?”

*************************************************

**Part 7**

When Sam had asked the nurse if Dean was alright he thought he would be told that Dean was sitting up in bed, grouching about being in hospital and demanding to be taken back to the motel. The last thing Sam expected was to be taken to intensive care where he found his brother hooked up to a ventilator and a host of tubes, leads and monitors. 

“What…what happened to him?” A shocked Sam asked the doctor who was checking Dean’s chart.

“Hi, I’m Dr Lees and you?” he asked.

“Sam,” Sam stated by way of introduction. “I’m his partner, as in lover, not business, bed!”

Bobby rolled his eyes at Sam, “Bobby Stevens. Family friend,” he said as he shook the doctor’s hand.

The doctor smiled warmly. “Gentlemen,” he acknowledged them both. “I know it looks bad right now but Dean’s doing okay and that’s what counts.”

“He can’t be too okay to be in here,” Sam pointed out. “And is he in a coma?” Sam asked incredulously trying to work out how it all turned so bad so quickly. “What the hell went wrong? He was talking to me before he had that fit and after it he was dazed but not…well not this,” he stressed pointing to his brother come lover.

“Sam Dean is in an induced coma because he has rabies.”

“Rabies!” Sam and Bobby exclaimed. 

“How did he get rabies,” Sam shuddered as he realized Dean had been fighting off the disease all week.

Bobby tugged at Sam’s arm, “He was attacked by a dog Sam,” he reminded the younger man. “One with sharp claws, big teeth and a hell of an attitude.”

“Gentleman rabies is still a huge problem in this country; raccoons, bats, skunks, and of course dogs are all potential carriers of the disease. Not all dogs have it but unfortunately for Dean he happened to encounter one that did.”

“Are you sure it’s rabies?” Sam was still trying to get his head around the idea that a demonic pit bull could carry rabies.

“Experience has taught us to treat all animal bites as potential rabies cases that way we don’t lose people to the disease while we wait for pathology reports to come back confirming our diagnosis. In Dean’s case I would be surprised if he didn’t have it.”

“Why?” Sam was skeptical, after all it wasn’t as if someone’s family pet attacked Dean it was a hell hound and as far as he knew hell hounds aren’t like normal dogs because they’re from hell!

“Look, Dean arrived here with severely infected wounds that were caused by a dog. He had a temperature over 104, had had a seizure and was delirious; now in anyone’s book that looks like rabies, so the most sensible thing to do is treat him with the vaccination and to ease the strain of the delirium on his brain we put him in an induced coma,” the doctor explained to his stunned audience. 

“Excuse me doc and I don’t mean to question your methods but rabies? I, we,” Sam nodded to Bobby, “were with him all week and yes he was out of it most of the time but we did everything right. We cleaned the wounds immediately, applied antiseptic creams and changed the dressings daily. He had lost a lot of blood but not enough to need a transfusion and he had a mild fever. He certainly wasn’t foaming at the mouth and there was nothing in what I saw that would have indicated he had rabies and would end up in a coma.”

Sam was still trying to wrap his head around the fact that Dean had spent a year trying to get out of a deal that almost saw him land in hell for all eternity and then they save him only to lose him to rabies. Rabies! He just didn’t understand how this could have happened.

“Sam…” the doctor began to speak.

“…no you don’t understand he was talking to me not more than two hours ago. I know he wasn’t feeling the best but he had been attacked by a dog. The thing is his wounds were healing. He couldn’t have rabies it’s just not possible.”

“I understand your confusion and honestly unless you know what to look for then it’s easy to miss the signs.”

“What signs? He seemed normal,” Sam screamed.

“Sam did Dean seem anxious or depressed?”

“Yeah, I guess but he was injured,” Sam replied.

“Was he off his food? Maybe he didn’t eat much. You might have noticed he had trouble drinking or just sipped a little water here and there as well.”

“I gave him water,” Sam replied defensively.

“But did he drink it?”

“Enough to swallow a painkiller, okay it wasn’t a bottle or anything but he did drink.” 

“What about nightmares or night terrors? Has he had any of those? Maybe he called out in his sleep or sat up terrified and disoriented.”

Sam’s stomach plummeted as he began to see what had been so clearly in front of him of all week and yet he had missed. His brother had been ill and he hadn’t picked up on it quickly enough and now Dean was in a coma.

“Sam?” the doctor asked. “Did Dean have sleep disturbances?” 

Sam cleared his throat, “Yeah.”

“Okay good. Did he seem confused? Like you would explain something and he just couldn’t understand or maybe he began to ramble about the past and it was out of context with the present conversation.”

“Yeah, once or twice. I thought he had had a reaction to the pills we gave him. You know made him a little high.”

“Hallucinations are also common symptoms. He claim to see anything?”

“No,” at least Sam was sure of that.

“Okay that’s good. By the time we began treating him he was raving about hell hounds and demons and was screaming that they were coming to get him. Sam people who suffer from this disease do strange things, things that you would never think they were capable of….

“Like drive a car hundreds of miles?” Bobby chimed in.

The doctor nodded, “Yes it’s possible. Is that what he did?”

“Yeah, damned fool boy,” Bobby muttered as he looked at Dean. “He was asleep. We went to the drugstore and when we returned he’d gone. Took us hours to find him and when we did…well you know the rest.”

“From what you’ve both told me it’s a pretty classic case of the disease and while not everyone drives off into the sunset like Dean did, when the delirium hits they can do odd and seemingly superhuman things. I guess driving when you can barely walk would come under that category.”

Sam gingerly took hold of Dean’s hand, careful not to disturb any of the equipment attached to him. “How long will he be in a coma?” 

“A few days at least, maybe a week.”

“A week,” Sam was horrified. Bad enough that he felt he had let Dean down by not realizing how sick he was but now he would be like this for a week and probably have to stay longer in hospital after that.

“Sam the vaccine needs time to work and it can’t easily do that if the patient is in the throes of a delirium. The last thing we want to do is to tie Dean down. That would only stress him more. This is a gentler way of protecting him from brain damage while the body heals with the aid of the vaccine and antibiotics. It’s temporary and it is better for Dean and I’m sure all of us want to see him get well quickly.”

“Then he’ll be alright?” asked Sam.

“He will need on-going treatment for a month, antibiotics for a while after that and a lot of therapy to strengthen his leg muscles but all going well he should just fine. We have already begun the course of treatment. As soon as he arrived we gave him a dose of rabies vaccine. He will get another dose in three days, followed by doses at seven, fourteen and twenty-eight days after that first dose. So if you folks aren’t from around here you will need to stay until the he has had his full course of vaccinations.

“No problems doc, the boys won’t be going anywhere, I’ll see to that,” Bobby stressed to the doctor. “Right Sam?” Bobby needed Sam to say it. Lord knows he knew what these two were like when they were anywhere near a hospital.

“I’ll make sure he gets his shots,” Sam promised the doctor.

“Good because you don’t want to lose him after all he’s been through, the doctor stated.

Sam nodded sadly, that was the crux of it all. He didn’t want to ever lose Dean and yet twice in a week that had almost happened; first the hell hound and now a supernaturally spurred on rabies virus. Dean deserved a break and Sam was determined that when Dean was well things would be very different.

*****************************************

A week to the day after he was admitted to the hospital, the doctor began to bring Dean out of his coma. The ventilator was removed and replaced with an oxygen mask and the amount of drugs used to induce the coma was gradually decreased. The doctor advised that someone Dean knew should be with him during this transition period, if that was at all possible, as Dean would most likely be disoriented when he woke up. To lessen Dean’s confusion the doctor suggested they talk to him, tell him where is and why but to keep it simple and not overload him with information. The idea was to bring Dean back to full alertness with a minimum of fuss and a lot of support. 

The first time Dean opened his eyes he simply stared at Sam. He didn’t speak and after a few precious minutes he drifted back to sleep. He did that a number of times during the day, each time staying awake just a little bit longer. 

“He’s not talking,” Sam complained to the doctor, concerned that Dean wasn’t recovering as well as had been hoped.

“Sam imagine you are in a fog and trying to see through the mist. That’s what it’s like for Dean. He sees someone, he thinks he knows who they are but he can’t quite see them properly, so he’s reluctant to talk to them in case he doesn’t know them. Just give him time. The fog will lift.”

A few days after Dean ‘woke up’ they had a major breakthrough when the doctor asked Dean to raise his right hand and he did. However he still didn’t speak and as soon as he had lowered his hand he fell back to sleep.

“Is he okay?” Sam asked. He was elated that Dean had followed a simple command but concerned that his brother hadn’t spoken yet.

“Sam it’s perfectly normal and Dean is doing what we would expect. Be patient. He’ll be fine,” the doctor assured him.

Three days after Dean had come out of his coma Sam was getting desperate. Dean was awake longer and he seemed to track Sam’s every move but he never spoke a word until Sam finally snapped, “You are so stubborn. You know that. You were so sure I would leave you that now you can’t believe I am here. Give in Dean. You lose I am not going anywhere.” He leaned in closer, “And when you do decide to talk. Please remember I am your lover, not your brother. The folks here think we are a couple and you know what jackass, we are.”

Sam sat back and folded his arms in an expression that was all sulk and frustration.

Dean watched him for a minute and then in a voice raspy from disuse said, “Lover huh?”

Sam wanted to shout for joy but instead replied petulantly, “Well we are.”

Dean seemed so tired and worn out and while it was to be expected, Sam could sense Dean’s underlying turmoil of where he stood with Sam. However, now wasn’t the time for that conversation so instead he asked, “Do you remember where you are? I told you the other day but I’m not sure if you understood.”

“It ain’t Kansas anymore,” Dean replied, briefly looking around the room.

“You got that right,” Sam responded with a broad grin. “You’re in a hospital in Nebraska.”

“Why are we in Nebraska?” He croaked out before he began to cough.

“Here,” Sam helped Dean have a sip of water. “Better?”

“Yeah.”

“And to answer your question. We’re in Nebraska because you decided to take off and you became ill, so this is we’re you ended up.”

“Nebraska!” Dean still couldn’t understand why he was in Nebraska.

“Yep and in case you’re wondering you have rabies.’

“Rabies?” Dean looked surprised but then he gave a weak laugh. “Supernatural rabies. Dude I’m unique.”

Sam went to reply but Dean had fallen back to sleep with the faintest hint of a smile on his lips. “Yeah you’re unique but for so much more than that,” Sam whispered as he tucked the covers around Dean and gave him a kiss on the forehead. 

***************************************

Dean had been in hospital for three weeks and was now desperate to get back on the road as Bobby discovered one afternoon when he wandered in to Dean’s room to find the older boy sitting on the side of the bed butt naked and very vocal.

“A week!” Dean screamed at Sam. “I’m not staying here another day let alone another week. Get my clothes. We’re leaving.” 

“Rabies Dean! You have rabies,” Sam yelled back at him. “You’re staying here until you get that last shot then you can leave and as much as I like the view,” he raised his eye brows suggestively at Dean, “I would prefer you under the covers for the time being.” 

Dean ignored Sam’s innuendo and slid off the bed to his feet, swaying a little as he tried to get his balance on his still healing legs. “I swear if you don’t get my clothes I will walk out of here like this…”

Bobby had had enough, “You get back in that bed this minute,” roared Bobby. “Or I will put you over my knee and tan that lily-white backside of yours.”

Two heads turned to face the irate hunter. 

“Bobby!” They said in unison and Dean tried to grab a sheet to cover himself.

“Bit late for modesty boy, when you were planning on parading naked out the door.”

“But Bobby,” Dean whined “I just want to get back to work.”

However Dean’s complaints fell on deaf ears. “Only place you’re goin’ is back to bed and get some clothes on,” Bobby ordered.

“Yes sir,” Dean replied sullenly.

Sam helped Dean back into his hospital clothes and eased him on to the bed.

“Dean this is for your own good,” Bobby began but Dean rolled his eyes at him.

Personally Dean thought the whole thing was an over kill. He had survived the hell hound so rabies seemed a little mundane in comparison.

“You don’t get it do you?” Bobby growled. “You think because you got away from the hell hound that you’re invincible. Well ya not! You were just darn lucky Lilith was killed before that thing took you any further and you know exactly what I mean.”

Dean flinched slightly as the unwanted memories reared up.

“In case you’ve forgotten the plan was that you wouldn’t even get hurt but ya did and I’m sorry that happened but what none of us counted on was it taking you away and it was good luck rather than good planning that saved your bacon that night. It dragged you to the gates of hell didn’t it? I bet you could feel the heat from the pit. I don’t expect you wanna talk about it but you will need to eventually. That’s a wound too and it will leave a scar on your soul if you don’t talk about it, so don’t wait too long to deal with it…and as for the rabies well that was the hell hound’s parting gift. You wanna down play a supernatural infection then be my guest but I guarantee that if you don’t have that last shot then you can kiss the future goodbye. It’s almost gone from your system but you give it one chance and you’ll be dead within the week. Seems a waste of a life but hey it’s your life. You wanna throw it all away because you’re too stubborn to sit still for a week then go for it.”

Dean sobered considerably. He didn’t want to die but he didn’t want to stay in the hospital either; but all things considered it was simpler to just stay put and get the treatment out of the way then he could finally put all this behind him.

“So it’s over? The deal? I’m free?” Having listened to what Bobby said, Dean needed a little reassurance,

“Yeah it’s over. Play your cards right and you’ll live to be an old man.”

“A grumpy old man,” groused Sam. He had taken the brunt of Dean’s griping since he had started to get back on his feet, literally.

“Bite me,” Dean snapped.

“I’ll leave that for the hell hounds asshole,” Sam replied angrily.

“Enough!” Bobby shouted at the brothers. “You’re actin’ like five year olds. Grow up and stop bickerin.” He took a deep breath and broached the thing he really wanted to get out of Dean, “So Dean you remember much after Sam found you on the riverbank?”

Dean’s brow wrinkled as if he was trying to piece it all together. “Not much,” he replied as he picked at the bed sheet. “Just bits and pieces. It’s hard to work out what was real and what was a dream. I’ve had some weird dreams the last few weeks,” he admitted. “I sort of remember stuff at the motel and driving but it’s all jumbled.”

“You remember driving here?” Bobby surprised but curious to know how much Dean did recall of the trip.

“Sort of. It was night time and the lights of the traffic…hurt my eyes. I hurt all over but I didn’t want to stop driving. When I was almost out of gas I pulled into a motel. I think I remember Sam being there but I’m not sure and then I woke up here.”

“You don’t remember us talking to you after you came out of the coma?” Sam asked. The unasked question being ‘do you remember me yelling at you when you woke up?’

“It’s a blur you know. It’s…” he ran a hand over his face.

“It’s not important,” Bobby told him. The last thing he wanted was for Dean to get wrapped around the axle because he couldn’t remember a conversation or two. The boy had enough to deal with and there would be plenty of time to look back on everything that had happened.

“Suppose not. So I really have to stay huh?” Dean asked although he already knew the answer to that one.

“You really want that spanking?”

Dean could feel the blush creep over his face. “No!”

“Then stay put. I’m sure Sam can entertain you for a week.”

Dean groaned at the prospect of staying put for another week but he understood it just the same. Sam on the other hand smiled happily because now he could take his time talking to Dean about their relationship and his plan for them to settle down.

“Why are you so happy?” Dean grumbled at Sam. “I have been here three weeks, three freakin’ weeks Sammy.”

“It’s just a few more days. Then we can do anything we want,” Sam assured him with a wink.

Dean gulped and blushed again and that’s when Bobby decided to make his excuses to leave, “Okay then. I’m gonna head back to the motel. Call me if you need anything and I’ll see you both in the morning.” 

“Thanks Bobby…for everything,” Sam hoped Bobby knew how much he appreciated both his help and his advice.

“Yeah well you boys are my family. You can be as dumb as dog shit the pair of ya but I love ya. So you stay put,” he said pointing to Dean and then he tapped Sam on the head “And you think with this head for a change. Night boys see you in the morning.” 

Dean’s eyes went wide and Sam’s cheeks glowed with embarrassment. “Yes sir,” they both replied.

“He knows?” Dean asked once Bobby had left the room.

“Yeah he knows.”

“He doesn’t care?” Dean was only guessing that was the case since Bobby seemed very casual about things.

“Not really. He said you can’t help who you fall in love with and that it didn’t surprise him. He thought that maybe when we were younger…”

“Yeah?”

“Did you?” Sam asked.

“What? Think about it?”

Sam nodded.

“Nah. Too busy with girls. What about you?”

“Sometimes after I went to college and more so after I did it with a few guys.”

Dean turned away. 

“You hadn’t done it before had you?” Sam asked him quietly.

Dean shrugged, “I knew the basics and besides I didn’t hear you complaining.”

“You should have said something. Jeez Dean up against a wall. That’s not right for your first time. I could’ve hurt you.”

“But you didn’t.”

“Dean!” His brother could be so frustrating sometimes.

“How did you find out anyway? It’s not like I was wearing a cherry ass label.”

“You left me a message.”

Dean was obviously confused but then he reasoned he had done a lot of stuff during that time that he didn’t remember at all.

Sam sighed, “I found your phone on the bed next to you at the motel. You had written me a text message but I guess you passed out before you could send it. In fact I’m stunned you had the brain function left to write anything but then you always did do the impossible.”

“I…I don’t really remember…Sam it…I was fucked up….”

“Yeah well your subconscious wasn’t and it wrote this. He pulled out Dean’s cell phone and read the unsent message, _I was wrong I had one more thing to give and you took it. You win and about all those tomorrows you promised. I guess you were wrong little bro. We didn’t even get through today._ ”

“Sam I…”

“I didn’t take anything from you, you jerk. You gave it; but we should have been in a bed. There are better positions to use when you are new at it and trust me being pounded into tomorrow against a wall is not one of them. Why Dean? Why do you keep trying to second guess what I want or need?”

“I wanted it, okay but I figured if I told you I’d never done it, you’d back off. I had two days left Sam I didn’t want to waste them arguing over whether my ass would be sore when the hell hounds attacked.”

“I swear Dean you have to tell me stuff and next time, we’re doing it in a bed and taking our time.”

“Okay,” Dean tentatively agreed because he had his own concerns about where they stood; sex took a backseat to his worries about whether Sam would actually stick around once he left hospital. 

Before Dean could say anything else Sam suddenly asked, “Why did you leave?”

“Sammy…”

“No, we are not letting this go. Dean I want this sorted out between us but I’ll be damned if I’ll spend any time after today on it; it’s now or never. Look what your insecurities almost cost us. Do you really think we can afford to wait? I almost lost you to the hell hounds and then to illness and I’ll be damned if I’ll lose you because you just walk away without facing this thing that is between us.”

“Fine! You want to talk then we’ll talk but like I said a while back, I knew you would leave once the deal was broken and if I hadn’t got sick I bet you would’ve already split.”

“Why would you think that? I told you I wanted to fuck you senseless the first chance we had. I know you were upset that I didn’t sleep in the bed with you at the motel and I told you why that happened… and when I did finally go to bed with you I held you while you slept. I love you and I’m at a loss as to how I can prove that to you. Damn it Dean you said you loved me and then you left me. I can’t do this push/pull shit any more. It’s driving me crazy. So I need to know why the hell you left me because I did nothing wrong.”

“I heard you on the phone to Bobby. Something about a hunt and that I was out of it but would be fine by myself and when I woke up you were gone.”

Sam just stared open mouthed at Dean. “You are so stupid sometimes,” he finally said.

“What the hell does that mean?”

“You idiot you put a one-sided conversation together when you were doped out on painkillers and came up with _he doesn’t love me anymore; he wants to go hunting._ Do you have any idea how worried I was when I discovered that you were gone? Especially when I had held you through so many nightmares, half of them with you begging me not to leave you. How do you think I felt knowing that your fears of being abandoned were so deep that they invaded even your dreams? Do you have any idea how helpless I felt because you were trying to deal with what had happened and I couldn’t make it right for you?” 

Dean clenched his jaw and looked away.

“Would you like to know what really happened?” Sam asked his tone almost icy.

“Sure but I know what I heard Sam,” Dean replied coolly.

“You think you know what went on but you don’t. Let me fill in the blanks for you. You were asleep and I needed to take a piss so I went into the bathroom; nothing like taking a leak to focus your thoughts. So while I was there I considered our options. I was concerned because you felt really hot but you had slept better once I was in bed with you so I wasn’t sure whether to wake you and get on the road or leave you to rest. So I went and got my phone and headed back into the bathroom where I wouldn’t disturb you and I called Bobby. I told him that I was worried and he agreed we should stay another night. I also mentioned that we were running low on dressings and meds; so we agreed that we would both go out. In hindsight that was a major mistake but at the time it seemed the smart thing to do.” He said with a shrug. “Anyway we agreed that I’d go to the drugstore and he would get us some dinner. That way we wouldn’t be out long and hopefully would get back before you woke up. We took his truck because he figured that if you saw that the Impala was gone you’d think I had shot through or gone hunting; I on the other hand wanted to go in Bobby’s truck so you didn’t think I had left you because I already knew where your thoughts were running.”

“Doesn’t explain the note though Sammy. It’s hard to mistake that for something else. You tell me you want me around but when I wake up you’re gone and all I have left is a note. It seemed pretty final: _Had to go. Call Bobby. See ya_ What did you think I would think when I read it?”

Sam leaned over Dean, “Dean you ripped the paper in half getting it out.”

“So!” Dean yelled. “I _can_ read Sam.”

“Well if you had _read_ the whole note instead of half of it then maybe you wouldn’t have been so freaked out.”

“What are you talking about?” 

Sam pulled the two halves of the note out of his pocket and slapped them down on the tray in front of Dean. “Read it,” he ordered.

Dean read the note:

“I found the half you read scrunched up on the floor and the other half was still sitting on the table. You must have missed it when you grabbed the box and ran.”

Dean read the note again this time aloud. “ _Had to go get your meds. Call Bobby or me if you need anything. See you soon. Love you._ I…I…”

“You drove three hundred and fifty miles for nothing Dean. Man you have some serious trust issues.”

“Sam…”

“No don’t you _Sam_ me. I have had it up to here with your insecurities, stubbornness and your lack of trust. Do you have any idea what it’s been like for me this past year? First I die and that’s usually final but not for me because I have this brother,” he whispered the word in case they were overheard, “Who sells his soul to resurrect me. Wow that’s big in anyone’s language but then and this is the best part, when I finally think ‘I ‘m okay. I’m alive,’ I decide I should really tell you how I feel about you/us but before I can say a thing you tell me that you have a year to live. What did you do Dean buy me back at a garage sale. Heck anyone else that sold their soul had a decade to live but not you; you got a year. Why was that exactly?”

“Sammy we’re Winchesters and you’re special…”

“Can’t be too special as I wasn't even worth ten years in that deal.”

Dean cringed as Sam continued to rant. 

“A year Dean! That’s 365 days or 8760 hours or 525600 minutes or 31536000 seconds.”

Dean looked stunned, “You worked it out?”

“I haven’t been sleeping well.”

“Freak!”

“Shut up Dean,” Sam snapped. “I have watched you unravel as the year went on and I couldn’t stop it from happening. I couldn’t save you and I couldn’t help you and then you finally admitted that you didn’t want to die but I didn’t know what to do to stop the deal. Except that I now had a brother who wanted me to save him but I didn’t know how to. I tried everything Dean. I talked to everyone and as far as anyone was concerned crossroad deals were _rock solid cannot be broken see you on the flip side_ deals. The clock was ticking and I didn’t want to lose you because I love you but I couldn’t tell you I love you because then you would think I was possessed or had gone dark side for entertaining _those_ sorts of thoughts. So not only was I going to lose my brother, my rock, I was going to lose the lover I never had.”

“I didn’t see a way out of the deal without you dieing as well Sam.”

“But in the end we, Bobby and I, had a good plan why couldn’t you just go with it?”

“Because I didn’t want false hope okay. I was scared. Scared to leave you behind, scared of dieing, scared of hell…”

“I know what it feels like Dean, I died remember?” shouted Sam.

“And I was going to die…” Dean shouted back.

“I think ‘died’ trumps ‘almost dieing’ don’t you?”

A nurse put her head in the room. “Keep it down you two. No-one is dieing here today but if the pair of you don’t shut up I will kill you both. Do you understand me boys?”

“Yes ma’am” they replied in unison.

They stayed there in silence for some time, neither willing to talk first but finally Sam spoke, “Look about the other week…when the opportunity arose…”

“We talking about my cock now,” Dean asked smugly.

“Yeah smartass. When I realized you wanted to do it, I took a chance and pushed for it. What bothers me is that you never take a chance on me but when it comes to hunting or women or pool you do. Why is that Dean? Why do you always think I will let you down?”

“I don’t think you will let me down Sam but I do think you want more than hunting can offer. You went to college…”

“…and I left it to be with you.”

“But you left me again when I was fighting that scarecrow in Burkitsville.”

“We had had a fight over Dad Dean that’s why I left. Why is that Dean? Why do we fight so much? Could it be because we both had some heavy UST going on?”

“What the fuck is UST?”

“Unresolved sexual tension,” Sam informed him.

“Geek!”

“Whatever. I’m not going to leave you Dean because my balls ache as soon as I see you and no girl and a white picket fence is going to be able to help me with that. I love you and I want us to be together but I need to know that you won’t run off half cocked every time something goes wrong. We are in a relationship and remember when I told you that I want you for better or worse, in sickness and in health, well this,” he swept an arm around the room. “Is just that; me having a panic attack because my sick lover disappeared into the night. You know at first I thought I had failed and that the hell hounds had taken you after all and then I thought someone may have found you and taken you to hospital because no way could my fevered and injured brother drive that car but I was wrong that’s exactly what you had done. So me driving hundreds of miles to find you is the _I love you forever, for better or worse, in sickness and in health…till death do us part._ Do you understand what I am saying now?”

“I’m…I’m sorry.”

Sam nodded if that’s all Dean could give him then that was a start. He could live with that.

“Everyone leaves me,” Dean half whispered. “I just haven’t had a lot of good things come my way except you and you always talked about a life other than hunting. Mom left and so did Dad and Pastor Jim. Even Cassie didn’t want me because I was a hunter and then you went to college, was dragged back and then you died. When you died Sam I thought I had failed. My main job in life was to look after you and I got you killed. If I hadn’t called you then you would have heard Jake coming up behind you.”

Sam was confused, “Do you think you distracted me? Dean I knew something was wrong because you screamed out a warning to me. Jake had the jump on me not because of you but because I wasn’t quick enough to stop him, because I was injured.” 

“I couldn’t leave you dead Sammy. I couldn’t!”

“But selling your soul Dean why that? You could have put me on ice or something man. Found some other way…”

“Don’t you get mad at me, don’t you do that.” Dean was almost in tears as the conversation paralleled the one they had had the night he first told Sam what he had done. “I had to look out for you, that was my job…” 

“…and what do you think my job is Dean? As I told you a year ago, you’ve saved my life over and over. You sacrifice everything for me; don’t you think I’d do the same for you? You’re my big brother, there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for you.”

“Including screwing me?” Dean teased, trying to lighten the moment.

Sam laughed, “There has to be some perks to the job.”

Dean took a steadying breath and asked, “So you really gonna stick around?”

“I traveled this far to find you what do you think?”

Dean smiled the first genuine smile Sam had seen in a long while, “Dude you are such a girl…”

“And you’re a bitch.”

“Yeah but I’m your bitch,” he happily replied.

******************************************

A week later and Dean was ready to leave hospital. While Sam finished up Dean’s discharge paperwork, Bobby took the opportunity to talk to the boy. 

“How ya doing?” Bobby asked casually.

“Better.” Dean still struggled to look Bobby in the eye now that he knew Bobby was aware of what he and Sam had slept together.

“You ever run off like that again and I'll kill you myself.” 

Bobby’s sudden change of tack threw Dean a bit. “You’ll have to take a number on that one Bobby besides I was whacked out with rabies.”

“Son you just have to trust your instincts and your brother and maybe you wouldn’t do things like you did,” Bobby hoped he was getting through to the boy.

“Yeah Sam and I talked about that.”

“He loves you Dean.”

_Awkward_ Dean thought. He was uncomfortable talking about this to Bobby. Hell he struggled to talk about it to Sam and he had slept with him. “I know,” he simply replied in the end.

“I’ve said it to Sam and I’ll say it to you, what you two are doing ain’t right according to most folks but it’s not my place to judge. The world is a bit shy on good news stories so if you two can find a bit of peace and happiness together than far be it for me to tell you to stop but if either of you screw it up…”

“I know you’ll kill us,” Dean snickered. “We’ll be good. I promise.”

“That’s my boy,” he said as he patted Dean on the shoulder.

Sam strode into Dean’s room all bright and chirpy, “Let’s go.”

Dean gasped and Bobby tried hard not to laugh.

“What?” Sam asked, as he handed Dean a very large bunch of flowers and followed them up with a very passionate kiss.

_What the fuck!_ “Ah thanks,” Dean looked at the flowers unsure as to what to do with them. “What are these for?”

“I told you if you had to stay in hospital I’d bring you flowers. I don’t break my promises,” he reminded Dean.

Dean laughed, “Hey don’t get too cocky just when you think you've got me figured out, I’ll probably change.”

“I know, that’s what makes it so interesting,” 

Bobby cut in to their banter before it got too mushy. “So you boys worked out what you gonna do now?”

Sam beamed, “Well we had a long talk about the future and what our options are so we decided to take a break from hunting for a while and then we’ll be looking at getting a place somewhere in the Mid West.” 

“So if you hear of anything let us know,” Dean added.

"Yeah it made sense to settle out here somewhere. That way we’d be central and could go in any direction if a job came up,” Sam explained and Dean nodded in agreement.

Bobby was pleased. They had obviously done a lot of talking these past few days. “Good thinking. Well if I hear of anything you’ll be the first to know.” 

The three men hadn’t noticed Dr Lees standing in the doorway.

“Hi doc,” Dean beamed as the man walked into the room. “I finally get to leave.”

“I just wanted to say goodbye to one of my more interesting patients,” the doctor said as he shook Dean’s hand. “Take it easy okay. You might be well enough to go home but stay out of the woods for a while yet.”

Dean smiled, “I will and thanks for everything doc.” 

“My pleasure and gentlemen if you have any questions or concerns don’t hesitate to contact me,” The doctor turned to Dean, “and Dean next time Rover takes a liking to you, see a doctor straight away or else you and Rover will both need to be put down.”

“I think I’ve learned my lesson,” Dean told the man and winked at Sam.

****************************************************

“So…” said Dean as he climbed into the passenger seat of the Impala.

“So…” replied Sam.

“Any ideas on where we go now?”

“I have something in mind,” Sam replied mysteriously as he swung the car out onto the highway.

“I’m sure you do,” said Dean as he settled back to enjoy the scenery.

****************************************************

**Epilogue**

They had no sooner stepped inside the motel room when Dean had Sam pressed up against the wall.

“Dean your legs,” Sam reminded him that they had to be careful as Dean’s legs still gave him trouble even though it had been over a month since the hell hounds had attacked him.

“I’m not planning on doing this against a wall Sam, so they’re just fine at the moment,” he told his brother before his lips met Sam’s in a searing kiss. “I want this,” he panted as he began to remove their clothes. “I need it.” 

“Dean slow down.” Although Sam had to admit slowing down was the last thing he wanted to do. Still they needed to be sensible as Dean had only been out of hospital a day. 

“Sam you said you wanted a bed. We have a bed so come on.” 

They shed the last of their clothes and tumbled onto the bed, legs and arms entangled. It became a duel for dominance with hands and lips kissing, touching, sucking and licking.

Still Sam worried about his brother, “Dean the doctor said you had to take it easy.” Of course his statement may have carried more weight if he hadn’t tried to talk in between sucking Dean’s nipples.

“Yes.” Dean cried out as the sensation went straight to his cock. “Ah…he…ah said no hunting and no playing with dogs. Yeah bite me,” he instructed as Sam gnawed his nipple. “He…he didn’t say we couldn’t fuck. So fuck me Sam.”

“I don’t want to hurt you,” Sam nipped his way back up along Dean’s collar bone. “So, no, we shouldn’t fuck today. We have time…”

Dean grabbed Sam’s hand and put it on his cock and with voice loaded with frustration and a surplus of lust he said, “Feel that. I swear it’s been rock hard since the last time we did it. It’s what’s hurting me Sam, not my legs and not you. It’s hard and it’s gonna explode if I don’t get to come soon. So yes we need to fuck _now_.”

“Dean…”

“I need this Sam.”

Sam knew they both did but this time they would do it properly. He left Dean on the bed while he went in search of the lube. Not an easy thing to do since Dean was almost hysterical and Sam’s own need was bobbing wildly with every step.

“What the fuck are you doing?” Dean screamed. “Don’t you dare wimp out on me. I need this! We need this! How many times do I have to say it? So get your ass back in this bed now…”

Sam grabbed the lube from his bag and returned to the bed unperturbed by Dean’s outburst. “Are you always this pushy in bed?” He asked as he poured a generous amount of lube onto his fingers.

Relieved to see Sam was still with the program Dean relaxed a little, “Only when I don’t get what I….” he squeaked as Sam pushed a finger inside him. 

“You were saying?” Sam teased as he moved his finger slowly in and out of Dean’s puckered hole.

“I…I…”

“Breathe Dean,” he said as he eased a second finger in Dean’s passage. “You’re tight so we‘re gonna take a bit of time to loosen you up but we will get to the fucking part, I promise.”

“Okay,” Dean replied but he was clutching the sheets with every movement. “Loosening is good.”

Sam leant down and kissed him. It was a deep, tonsil tickling kiss that left Dean panting for air and begging for more of anything.

Finally he begged Sam to stop which Sam didn’t. There was no way he was rushing this. 

“Enough” Dean insisted, as he tried to squirm away from the fingers now scissoring inside him.

“You and I both know it isn’t. Breathe, relax and …”

“What was that?” Dean gasped as his body tingled from head to foot. 

“Oh you mean this?” Sam ran his finger over the bundle of nerves again and watched happily as Dean arched off the bed.

“Yessssssssssss,” Dean hissed. “Do it again.”

“My pleasure. That’s your prostrate. You like the sensations? Its great isn’t it?” 

Dean didn’t reply because he was too busy trying not to come but when Sam pushed a third finger into him, he almost rose off the bed with shock.

“No more. I’m stretched. Remove the fingers,” he ordered.

“Try to relax. I know it feels strange, but trust me its better this way. I want you to enjoy it and you won’t if I tear you trying to put little Sam into tiny Dean.”

“Dean is not tiny and little Sam is an understatement and for the record I enjoyed it just fine last time.” Dean reminded him.

“You also almost passed out with the pain. This way means less pain, more pleasure and a better orgasm,” Sam said as he hit Dean’s prostrate again. 

“Oh god,” he shouted as pushed down on Sam’s fingers. His cock was purple with need and pre-cum flowed freely as desperately tried to stop himself from coming. “Okay I understand what you’re saying but I really think we need to do it Sam! Its time, trust me. We gotta do this now,” he insisted.

Sam had to agree. He had given Dean as much stretching as he could and neither of them would go the distance if he kept up this amount of stimulation. “It’s okay. Give me a second to get ready,”

Sam carefully withdrew his fingers and coated his cock. “Turn on your side. It will be easier for you.”

“No way! I want to see you.”

“Taking you from behind will put less stress on your legs.”

“I’m planning on getting my ass reamed not tap dancing. So forget the legs and do me face to face. I want to watch you come and by the way while we’re arguing all that stretching you did is quickly closing up. Do it this way so I can see you or I do it myself either way I am at the point of no return,” and to stress the point Dean began to stroke his cock vigorously.

Sam grabbed his wrist. “Let it go. You don’t come until I say you can.”

“Now who’s pushy?”

“Admit you like it when I take control.”

“Maybe I do but don’t get too carried away. This is gonna be even between us. Next time I get to screw you blind.”

“Deal but first things first. Let’s ease that throbbing cock before you have a heart attack.”

Sam put Dean’s legs over his shoulders, took himself in hand and positioned himself at Dean’s entrance. “Your legs okay?”

“They’re happy it’s my cock that’s not. Get on with it.”

“You sure you want this?” he asked knowing full well Dean wouldn’t say no.

“What do you think,” he replied as he rocked his hips towards Sam’s cock.

Unlike last time Sam eased himself inside Dean. He did everything right. First he pushed the head of his cock just inside until the sphincter muscle gave way. Then he moved slowly in and out. “How you doing,” he asked Dean as he slowly inched inside him. 

“Full,” he admitted.

“It’ll pass. Did it feel good last time?”

“Oh yeah.”

“Trust me; it’ll be ten times better this time.”

“I do trust you; so move already.” Although Dean’s stranglehold on Sam’ arms undermined his relaxed and confident attitude.

“I have something to say first,” Sam explained as he tried to hold himself in check.

Dean started to sit up, “You’ve got to be fucking joking. Sammy I’m dieing here. What do you want me to do, beg?”

“No, I…” Sam fought to stay in control. “I figured this was the best time to say what’s on my mind. Just so we’re clear. I am not leaving you ever. I love you too much to hurt you like that.”

“I know that. You told me in the hospital. Thanks. Now fuck me.”

“Wait! You…you need to know that I’m not staying because I feel sorry for you or because I think you couldn’t make it on you own.” It took all of Sam’s will power to stay still because every fiber of his being wanted to fuck Dean so badly. “I’m here because I can’t imagine being with anyone else. You…” 

“Complete me?” Dean quipped. “Look you had me at hello so can we drop the Jerry Maguire routine?”

“Will you take me seriously?”

“Sammy your ten inch cock is up my ass. Trust me I do take you seriously but right now I just want you to take me.

“No let me finish. I need you to know that I’m here for the long haul; in your life and your bed. I will be here when you fall asleep and when you wake up and …wait you think my cock is ten inches long? Where’s that ruler?”

“I always knew you kept a ruler beside the bed.” Dean grabbed Sam’s face and pulled him down for a kiss. “Sam I love you too. I get it. No more arguments over white picket fences but I swear if you do not start to move you will wake up with a fence post up your ass. Now for god’s sake make me moan, make me scream and make me come.”

So Sam did all of that and so much more. He built up the rhythm slowly easing in and pulling back. It was steady and rhythmic and Dean quickly adjusted to the feel of Sam inside him. 

“More Sam. Come on dude. Show me what you’ve got.”

“You asked for it,” Sam panted as he angled his thrust to rub over Dean’s spot as he stepped up the pace.

“So close Sammy. So close. Do it. Time for us to come.”

“It’s Sam and I couldn’t agree more.”

Sam took Dean in hand, braced his other hand on the bed and pounded into Dean like there was no tomorrow. In an obscenely small amount of time Dean screamed Sam’s name as streams of hot cum coated them both. As Dean came he clenched around Sam’s length sending him crashing over the edge as well. The lay still connected as each rode out the aftershocks.

“So good Sammy. So good but I’m not sleeping on the wet spot,” Dean mumbled as his eyes drifted closed.

“Jeez Dean, its Sam so can we please leave Sammy out of the bedroom?” He carefully withdrew from Dean and laid back to get his breath. “That was awesome. If it’s always like that we may never leave the bed at all.”

“No problems Sammy,” Dean wearily replied.

Sam rolled his eyes. “Jerk!”

“Bitch! I've been numbed, I'm revived, can't say I'm not alive…” came the sleepy response.

“Dean?” But Dean was asleep. Sam smiled at his sated brother, “You’ve been listening to that song _Bitch_ again?” Sam didn’t expect an answer as exhaustion and the mother of all orgasms had finally caught up with Dean. Sam grabbed a tee shirt from the floor, cleaned them both up, set the alarm and pulled up the covers. “Well I did put it in your MP3 player, so I guess it got under your skin after all.” He settled down next to Dean and the last thing he said before he fell asleep was, “I love you big time.” 

**************************************

“Dean, Dean! Wake up! Hurry or we will miss it.”

“What time is it?”

“4.15 am.”

“It’s still dark. Have to sleep Sammy. Doctor’s orders.”

“Come on man. I’ll tuck you back into bed myself after we do this.”

Thirty minutes later Sam eased a very weary Dean from the car.

“I told you that doing it that way would hurt your legs.”

“Help me now, lecture me later,” Dean sleepily replied.

Sam helped walk Dean over to the waiting shuttle bus, where they were joined by dozens of other drowsy tourists. The bus trip only took about twenty minutes but Dean dozed most of the way, a side effect of the medications he was taking and having been fucked senseless a few hours earlier. 

Sam woke Dean when they arrived at their destination. It took a lot of effort for Dean to walk the short distance to the railing and as much as he said he was alright the muscles in his legs were weak and sore from the hell hound’s attack. It was nothing permanent and they had been given a therapy regime to strengthen the muscles but right now it took all his energy just to stand in the cold predawn air. 

Sam wrapped a blanket around his shoulders and stood behind Dean pulling him back into the warmth of the cover. 

“You awake?” he asked when Dean rested his head on Sam’s shoulder and he seemed to grow heavy in his arms.

“Yeah,” he replied as he stifled a yawn.

They stood in silence for a few minutes until Sam gasped, “Wow look at that.” 

Dean straightened up and moved forward to hold on to the railing to watch the sight.

“It’s beautiful,” Sam murmured.

Dean never replied. He looked around him and took a deep cleansing breath of air. Overhead the last of the stars in the night sky gave way to the soft glow of daylight. Dean was transfixed as the sun slowly came up over the majestic landscape and rays of light ignited the rustic colors of the canyon walls. What had been dark was now awash in warm shades of gold and red. It was a breathtaking scene; awe inspiring in its natural beauty and it made him feel more alive than he had ever been. It truly was a grand canyon and so much better than anything he had ever dreamed of.

“I love you,” Sam whispered in his ear as they watched the sunrise.

Dean turned his head slightly and smiled at his brother. “I never doubted it.”

 

The End


End file.
